And I've finally confirmed her death date .
These days, I wondered why it didn't hurt me that myy BESTFRIEND died .
Now I know, it's caused I chose not to face it .
I'm not sure why, maybe cause I thought I didn't have to .
Maybe cause I just like the feeling knowing she's still alive .
I know now, I left the clique cause the most important reason left me .
How selfish I was to blame her .
I blamed her death not on fate, but on her .
I don't even know how to feel about it .
When my friends talks about their friend who died, I can talk about it .
Cause I just relate arwah to her .
I can't just face it .
I just won't .
I am ashamed .
I'm not sure if it's cause of how she died or cause I just wasn't there to watch over her or I just didn't even think about her death for a minute .
But today, Ive made a change .
I'm going to see how her small sister and Mom are doing, cause I promised .
Not to them, not to me, not to her, but to us .
I still remember how we spin around in the merry go round and go like, we don't need to get drunk .
I still remember how she convinced me she knew her limits, that was why I didn't care much .
I still remember how she didn't tell me who her boyfriend was, cause he abused her .
But I erased all of it, cause I remembered she promised me our clique won't break apart as long as we're in it cause "kalau budak Bedok nan budak Tampines ble kekal . Takkan drg tk ble ."
But I know I just won't go back to that clique, cause there's no more us .
Cause when I went down there, I only saw three of dem .
Cause they're not the same .
Cause we only argue when we meet, mostly about her death .
Cause there's no more to be said .
Cause they remind me of her .
Cause they'll ask questions like. "you miss her ? why didn't you kiss her corpse ? when to go to her grave ?"
Cause they'll spit out memories, when there was HER !
Cause that's all that are left, memories .
Cause I remembered what they said .
"Akak gy mane, linda ?"
"Akak ? Akak dah mati la ."
"Tak, akak gy terbang ."
The kid suffered much . Stop adding salt .
In memories
Nurul Khairunnisa Bte Ghazali
12May06
Labels: Bummed; She opened the door to see her sister's eyes opened wide, DEAD .