AKU DAH BUAT DAH ! TQMO MEMEKAK !

#1.If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
I'll keep quiet to see how far can he go, and then let him see how far I can go .

#2 If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
Be completed; with true friends, a great boyfriend, a great career life, a great happy family, a stable life, happiness . Travel around the world and be anything, but typical .

#3 What will your dream wedding be like?
I want to marry a Mongolia , cause like WOW ! and I would just want all my loved ones to attend, I want it to be like a Barney concert for the kids :D

#4 What would you do with a billion dollars?
First, I'll buy dresses ! shoes ! vest ! And I'll treat everyone . Then, I'll bring FARAH, ILAH, NURUL, YATI to come live w me at NEW YORK CITA ! Then bring along, Afa, Ahmad, Epul, Rad .

#5 What's your ideal lover like?
Hazel/Watery eyes . Great dresscode . Have kisses that can make me forget the world . Sweet smile . Knows how to avoid temptations cause Im not that beautiful, compared to other girls . Knows how to takkaire of himself before taking care of me . Have a vehicle, Im tired of walking and public transport :p

#6 Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Loving someone is a sweet experience to be appreciated after getting someone . Being loved is blessed .

#7 How long do you intend to wait for someone u really love?
I don't wait actually, I usually just try to move on, but actually Im missing and waiting . So far, the longest is 1 or 2 years . And currently, I think I am waiting, but as always its just useless patience .

#8 If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Turn off, move on . But if he ask for help, I'll state myy honest opinion . In future, if we have a chance, then we'll talk bout it .

#9 Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Alot of things . Yet, I still hope there'll be the sweetness to make it average . And that's me .

#12 How do you see yourself in ten years time?
I don't see myself . I plan for tomorrows like baby steps . I only see myself in the next 2 years, in Temasek Polytechnic taking Tourism&hospitality/Accountant course .

#13 Who is currently the most important people to you?
I don't rate, all are equally important . And I'll just compromise by saying LIFE is the most important people .

#14 What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Haha, which one ? Rad ? Zul ? One common thing is; they rock !

#15 Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
Marriage is in your hands what . What's the use of being married if you can't even afford to have babies . So single and rich :D

#16 What's the first thing you do every morning?
Comb myy hair, look in the mirror and think to myself, another day . plans ?

#17 Would you give all in a relationship?
Yes, but not myy 'tiara' and I gave all in a relationship but he's not myy boify and that's myy mistake .

#18 If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
Time will tell . In the meantime, both .

#19 What type of friends do you like?
Anything, I don't think I am rightful enough to judge which type of friends are the best

Imma take a bow .
Cause I've taken everything else .

Babe, thats where you're so wrong .
You said you won't judge, think back aren't you judging .
Please don't act like you know her better cause I know she understand myy situation .
I just wish you would too .
I know how you are, you're caring but you want the truth to be splat to your face and I would do that but I just need time to adjust to all this shits .

She knows I'll tell but I just need TIME .
Babe, time is mine .
I know what to do when it comes to me eventhough how stupid I may have been .
This is how best friend's friendship works .
They don't pressurized you, instead these friendships makes you confident that you'll survive .
Look dearest, I didn't chose to open up to them .
I didn't even know that they knew .
You know I don't choose friends
I was acting like nothing happened when suddenly she asked me when Imma tell her .
Cause she knows .
She had initiative .
Cause she called myy house when I was away in the police station .
Myy mom told her .
Tell me, how can I stop that ?
You think I want her to know ?
I just want to live on w/o letting anyone knows .
But not that Im not facing it, I am but just I made a change .
Im doing it alone .


I realised that it's not her fault .
It's mine .
But babe, Im pleading you to give me time .
Cause Im just like you a 16-year-old .
I know dearests, both of you care so much .
Sometimes, I know I don't deserve it .
But Im tired of being weak .
I just thought if my family is ashamed of me, you would be too .
You just see part of it, you don't see the whole junk .
Why ? Cause it's me experiencing it .

Babe, it's more to me than just confiding in you guys .
Cause there's more that meets the eye .
There's more than just what you know .
Thats what Ive been trying to tell .
But you guys means alot more than all those, you should know .


Babes, I plead for your forgiveness .
Ive turned shallow .

Labels: Bummed; All I gave was pretend

MY ROLE MODEL

To myy ones :
Im sorry for not opening up .
I just wish you would understand .
How can you expect me to open up when I haven't even face it .
Im tired of not facing it .
I just hope you guys would understand, I thought you all you know that I would tell you but just not now .
I haven't been unfair, I never did tell anyone .
They just found out, they had initiative .
And you all could have at least give me time .
I had alot to deal with .
I was just expecting you guys to just not worry, I just expect us to just live as per normal and I deal with myy life by myself .


Cause I don't want to be judged .
You may say that you don't judge .
But somehow slowly you are showing that you are judging .
If you can't accept me now, then just dwell on the old Aina .
Cause she's never coming back, I tried to being her back but I realised you guys don't want her .
But neither do you want this new Aina .


And is it fair to me ?
Think for a second .
Which one of you spend enough time to understand myy world ?
Myy hectic life ? I just pretended to be hectic, cause you guys have no time for me and I don't want to get your symphaty .
And I understand that it's not your fault that you're busy .
But I just don't understand why you can't understand ?
You can't spend time w me and just won't understand that Im not opening up ?


And you expect me to face it all at one go .
I just don't tell anymore .
None know everything .
Some people knows this part .
The other this part .
I don't choose, they are the one .
I just tell things that are affecting you guys and eventually I tell EVERYTHING .
Even that, you guys are not satisfy .
You of all people should know, I need time to open up .
Like you said it's better to hear from the person itself, how come I don't get those since last time ?
You tell others your feelings and Im just left, ensured that you're okay and just letting you live your life cause I don't want to make the same mistake and lose you like how I lost her .
Then suddenly, BAM ! I was told how you miss the old me .
I changed for all . I've always been happy with the old me, but the my life is not so I changed .
Have you ever wonder how I endured ?
Cause I thought you'd understand and I should too .


Im sorry for not showing how sorry I am .
Im sorry for just not being a good friend .
Im sorry for not opening up .
Im sorry if you think Im just retaliating what you gave to me .
Im not, Im just trying to understand .
Trying not to make any changes, and to do so I just .........
I don't want anymore changes .

" Why do it seems like the world is watching over me to disgrace myself when its me who's finding ways to disgrace myself ? "
" I owe my happiness, soul, world to you guys . But I don't want to owe this life to anyone cause it's too much for me to ask from you ."
" I want to make a change for myself for once, I want no change ."

Can you guys understand ? Every single word .
This is not a explanation . It's what you guys wanted; truth .
Note: There's more that meets the eye .

Labels: Bummed; Surely I can survive .

"Its sad to see your friends finding ways and reasons to give up on you . But it's sadder when they don't give up and keep trying to help you, cause it makes you feel worthless . It made me feel worthlessly stupid ."
"Now I know what it feels like to seriously just keep it inside ."

Labels: Bummed; Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming back

Finally, I faced her death after a year .
And I've finally confirmed her death date .

These days, I wondered why it didn't hurt me that myy BESTFRIEND died .
Now I know, it's caused I chose not to face it .
I'm not sure why, maybe cause I thought I didn't have to .
Maybe cause I just like the feeling knowing she's still alive .
I know now, I left the clique cause the most important reason left me .
How selfish I was to blame her .
I blamed her death not on fate, but on her .
I don't even know how to feel about it .

When my friends talks about their friend who died, I can talk about it .
Cause I just relate arwah to her .
I can't just face it .
I just won't .
I am ashamed .
I'm not sure if it's cause of how she died or cause I just wasn't there to watch over her or I just didn't even think about her death for a minute .
But today, Ive made a change .
I'm going to see how her small sister and Mom are doing, cause I promised .
Not to them, not to me, not to her, but to us .

I still remember how we spin around in the merry go round and go like, we don't need to get drunk .
I still remember how she convinced me she knew her limits, that was why I didn't care much .
I still remember how she didn't tell me who her boyfriend was, cause he abused her .
But I erased all of it, cause I remembered she promised me our clique won't break apart as long as we're in it cause "kalau budak Bedok nan budak Tampines ble kekal . Takkan drg tk ble ."


But I know I just won't go back to that clique, cause there's no more us .
Cause when I went down there, I only saw three of dem .
Cause they're not the same .
Cause we only argue when we meet, mostly about her death .
Cause there's no more to be said .
Cause they remind me of her .
Cause they'll ask questions like. "you miss her ? why didn't you kiss her corpse ? when to go to her grave ?"
Cause they'll spit out memories, when there was HER !
Cause that's all that are left, memories .
Cause I remembered what they said .

"Akak gy mane, linda ?"
"Akak ? Akak dah mati la ."
"Tak, akak gy terbang ."
The kid suffered much . Stop adding salt .



In memories
Nurul Khairunnisa Bte Ghazali
12May06

Labels: Bummed; She opened the door to see her sister's eyes opened wide, DEAD .

I never thought .
Forgive myy heart for breaking .
I promise I wouldn't break apart ,
But I shattered .

Yesterday was officially the best day I had in months .
People might say boyfriends beats the rest .
However, its soulmates .
Soulmates comes if you open up .
You can't judge who is always there .
It all depends on who you turn to, and also who that can be there even when you don't ask for it .
They give you warmth no matter where you are .
They give you security no matter how life is .

For me, it's my friends who've seen me grow throughout my secondary life .
Those who remembered how ridiculous I looked when I was 13, and now although I am still at the age of half a corn .
I am not saying every air I breathe I owe it to dem .
But almost there .
For myy primary school life, well, Im trying to leave it all behind cause the main piece have left me .

So yesterday, I went to Bugis w Ahmad and Farah, shop2 .
Met Nurul, Ilah, Yati .
Apparently, the reasons we went down for, DIDN'T CAME DOWN !
Then we eat at long john, then we walk to esplanade .
AND MY CONTACTS WENT DOWN THE SINK AGAIN !
Then, I met Tupai, and he asked me if I remembered who he was .
I also met Furiin .
Then, we walk2 at Marina, haha . That was fun .
Ahmad then went home .

Nurul and Yati made a song " MWAHS ! Elmo love you so so much, so so much, so so much . Elmo love you so so much . Elmo want hug . "
Then, we made our each own version . Haha, dangdut, punkrock, jiwang, chipmunk, reggae, steam genre .
We talked bout how long we didn't spend time, just the five of us like last time .
And surprisingly, the five of us felt like it was last time .
(: (: (:

" &I wonder if he missed me, cause he's forgotten bout me . Myy presence pulled us further apart . Myy understanding you gave you way . Rotten. So I asked you what more can I say ? "

Labels: Bummed; I don't want to be with you, I want to be you so I could hurt me .

Frigging moodswings, no idea why ?
Freaking dammit mayn .
And ya, myy niece started singing Atas Nama Cinta .
It hurts even more, but well .....

I freaking get freaking bugggged when people just teased POA students that they have to come to schools tomorrow . Takpe la sial, bapak aku bayar pe yuran skola aku, bukan anak kau pe .

Ohh please, I do not want to be reminded of the past, don't remind yourself me . Im just not for you, even if you begged me . Don't leave her for me . Cause it's just what I was done . Cause I wouldn't leave him for you . Don't lie to your fate, it's the best for you . Open your eyes, look at me . Im just not worth it, you forced me to put it this way . I asked for your heart, but you turn away . Now you're giving me commitments, something I'll never rely on . We took million steps ahead, what makes you think we can go back, I just can't admit that . I seek your forgiveness, for making it clear your tears would never change anything except my perspective . There is hope for us, but I wouldn't want you to leave her for me, even if I begged for your heart . I'll be fine, Im sure . Destiny, fate, it's written .

Labels: Bummed; Love is blind, Lingerie is popular

English was alright .
Malay was still okay .
Elective Geography was still manageable .
Social Studies; I didn't finish 2 questions of SBQ . Ohh well, 15m gone .
Maths; a lil chance of passing . NOT WITH FLYING COLOURS .
Physics; Mrs Quek, I apologised .
Biology; I totally stunned, staring at the paper . But I think I managed .
Pure History; I don't even want to think about it .
POA, haha, say byebye .

Please, I need to pass this . Please, I need it for myy future .

Labels: Bummed; If there's a headbanging exams, I would pass w flying colours .

Cause Ive opened myy eyes slowly, but you don't know cause I didn't know it myyself till I look back and realised slow by slow I changed .
I used to be this heck-life, just-live-life, tomorrow-is-another-ME-day, kinda girl .
But now, I think whether Im sure of what Im doing, whether I can avoid just problems from it .
I feel so vulnerable, when people especially you, look into my eyes and just said, you're weak, aina . WEAKER than just what you were .
I look weak cause Ive open up, myy heart is vulnerable but it's strong to go through it all, I think .


Sooner or later, I think people have realised, Imma leave all behind .
So I rather, you walk out of me first .
Cause you, her, him, me, MYY LIFE is a star, something so far, so bright, so painful, I can't reach .

"If I can't reach, what makes you think I can face it all . I know I am changing for the better, but I am so not sure, if to the world, it seems that way ."

Labels: Bummed; If I should die before I wake, its cause you took my breath away .