Too hard to swallow
2:29 AM - Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Mum, I'm sorry that your words hurt me .I'm sorry that I can never forget how you can never forgive .I'm sorry that I'm not that daughter you dreamt of .I apologize for being your worst tragedy, for being me .Yes, I can't see what's in front of me .But you are blinded by reputation, rumours .I can't deny that I dislike most of your family, my own cousins Cause they bring you down, you bring me down .They said things, they blamed, they cursed .But, one thing I can never accept the fact is that you were with them .Ohh please, cousins .If you want to talk about my mom's family and kids . Look at yours, they appeared in the newspaper, and we didn't talk about it .You abuse your own son, you call others spoilt ? ungrateful ? stupid ?&yes, I prefer my other side of cousins who are not like me, they're good people .Even if my mum's family is just like me, easy to get along, models, rich .It don't mean a goddamn thing Dearest, I missed you .I missed me .I missed the way we were .I'm contented seeing you happy now and I thank you for being there .I thank you for knowing me, even when I don't even utter anything .I just love the way we are, its's sweeter than any other .-And it's not a guy, it's FarahMasyem (;
" And you still wonder why I've changed, why I'm more preserve, why I turn to my friends and myself more than I do to you . I can't change this, it's the way things will be . One thing I can never ever change; myy love for you cause no matter how hard I try, forever you're the reason for my being . Ibu; I seek your forgiveness "
Labels: Bummed; It's Mid-year and things are just getting messier and I can't do it
I'm so cold, icebox where my heart used to be
7:44 AM - Thursday, April 24, 2008
There she goes .How fucking ignorant have Ive been ?!Myy friends were having their troubles and only talk among themselves .I know we're close but I felt distance, Im so different from them .Im so different from what I used to be .I can't decide .I can't understand .Im just not Aina .The sad thing is; EXAMS TIME This is why Im having no assholic mood to blogg .People, including friends and family looking down on you .Now, I stammer alot, I don't jump like I use to .Mom hasn't been talking to me for 3 weeks .She was saying I have no mother, it never bothered me until just now cause tears was spilling when she said it .Mom, I swear it hurts .I didn't talk cause I overheard you saying, you hate the sight of me and the sound of my voice .I don't ask for pocket money cause of Im egoistic but cause I know you're trying hard .You're different so am I .Keep me from this cold, cold world .And baby, Fussin' and fightin', we back at it again I know that, its my fault, but you don't understand I got memories, this is crazy You ain't nothing like the baby I used to know I should try to decide, wanna let u in, but no That means memories, and its crazyI really wanna work this out, cause I'm tired of fightin' And I really hope you still want me the way I want youNo excuse But I got thisWhy cant I get it right, just cant let it go I opened up, he let me down, I wont feel that no more I don't mean to take it out on you baby but I cant help it Cause my heart is in the same old condition that baby left it And I, I apologize, for makin' you cry Look me in my eye and promise you won't do me the same-I'm so coldLabels: Bummed; Space, time . It's useless- I need a RUNaway
Never to repeat
7:12 AM - Thursday, April 17, 2008
So night study nights were okay .
Im getting revengeful and heated these days .
I screamed at the slightest things, I get fucked up and vulgarities shot at littlest things, I scolded myy friends for the smallest things .
I said things to myy family and friends that ive never meant and swore never to speak .
Please END everything .
PS; the thing-im talking to Mohammad Noragustus (;
At least something right ?
"And if i let you go, I lost the last chance .If you stayed, the last chance will never come. "
Labels: Bummed; So i fell, can I get up ? If I can, would I ?
If I told you the whole truth, you would still question the million lies
7:23 AM - Monday, April 14, 2008
Monday was okay .
I was kinda happier than the past days .
Maybe cause Im busy listening to sorrows .
It helped me, you know .
Biology, Afa poured her heart out .
Thanks babe, for trusting me .
Listen, concentrate on Os if you're too pressured .
At least, you're pressured for a good reason .
Farah didn't came, bummer .
Im praying she's feeling fine .
Then after school, i went studying w Fret at Bedok Interchange Macdonalds.
Afa tagged along, some hallucinated people were supposed to .
Then Fret blanje me and AFA who threatened to cabot his bulu kaki if he refused .
Then AfaDearest came along, then there was an awkward silence .
I tried to help but clearly Irfaan was fucked up and couldn't understand Afa, although we tried to help .
Irfaan, cheer up DUDE !
Then, Epul came all hallucinated .
Then he told me Yus wanted to meet me .
So I say NO !
Then bad luck came, YUSRI and GANG walked into Mac so I ran out w Epul .
Then I asked Fret to go first and Yus talked to me .
So he asked about everything myy whole life .
So I told him, don't expect me to love someone in a week or two cause I can't and won't .
And Im not like him who just go around loving any girl who you think will work out .
And he said he was sorry for everything and he looked like he wanted to cryy cause I talked and stood like I didn't care .
I do care but not like he thinks .
I care enough to just hug him if he cries but I don't care enough to just accept him cause I pity him .
I said, 'Takpe ! Dah biase kene marah2, kene tengking2, kene treat cam budak2 pasal myy past . Dah biase dah takk ble explain seme . At least, let me explain . Ive never said that I loved you, I avoided you . Think back ."
Then he apologised again and again .
Then myy superb boify came to myy rescue before I cried, "Dah Aina lambat(dier tipu anyways.) Kay dah Yus, anything else ?"
So Yus geleng, and when he salam-ed me, he looked at me in disappointment, I guess I wasn't Aina that he expected me to be .
Then when I walked out, he shouted LOVE YOU and gave me a flying kiss .
And it struck me, we'll never be .
Then, met Fret .
He looked unhappy .
Then we went home .
THE END of MONDAY !
I DON'T FEEL LIKE COMING TO SCHOOL TOMORROW !
But I am so going night study .
Why do I have to keep doing things I can't bear ?"You're nice, but you possessive and stubborn and not understanding . And you isn't just the reason Ive never opened myy heart . Its cause he came and knocked on myy heart, and I can't erase him yet "
" Closed myyself from love, didn't need the pain . Once or twice was enough ."
If I told you the whole truth, you would still question the million liesLabels: Bummed; Called me stupid, but Ive made myy decision
The journey to Brillante
11:26 PM - Friday, April 11, 2008
Brillante finally came .
I was looking forward to it, then I wasn't .
It was worth it though, I guess .
EPUL ! I WENT CAUSE OF YOU BETTER SAY THANKYOU !
So, I met Fret at 3.15 smoke w hym .
And I felt Distance and Different .
Oh well, I don't want to think about it .
I can't deny the fact that I thought about it all the way .
Then I met Ahmad Saifuddin <3,>We drank and smoked while waiting for Ilah Nurul Yati at 100 .
New word; Noneng jadi Nenong .
We talked about our problems and fond memories .
Then Ilah Nurul Yati came at 5 .
Then Yati drank w us just a lil bit .
Then went to Bedok Interchange to meet Annah, Skye and Linda .
Then we proceed to Raffles Place to meet the rest .
Met Afa, Farah, Irfaan and Rad there .
Whoa, BGSS actually has a fashion sense, who knew !
Then, we went to our seat .
Mine was w Afa&Irfaan and Farah&Fuad .
YES ! couples, me in the middle .
I could have sworn I felt awkard and a nuisance there .
But ohh well, I had myy bestbuds near me and myy another bestbud went cause of me .
Farah smiled for me (;
Thanks babes .
So there I was, watching the concert w on the the right Afa&Irfaan linking hands and on the left Farah&Fuad no idea what doing .
Happy for the couples (;
Yet, I wished I had a mate .
Then I saw Epul dance and Me and Afa as usual shouted his name .
Then ZAMIR sang, I couldn't look cause it hurts .
But I did shouted his name too .
Then me and Irfaan sang Breaking Free to Afa, she was utterly embarrassed and embarrassing cause she covered her whole head w Irfaan's jacket .
Then the ending of it was nice, the back and side of the stage went up and we could see the beautiful Esplanade where we were headin next .
Then, we went out waiting for Epul .
The couples went home, this is when the glory of being single came; being able to spend time w friends, doing whatever you want to .
Then the singles went to esplanade and ate at marina .
Went home, took the MRT den walked back home froom Bedok Inter .
SORRY GUYS .
Reached home at about 12.30, no one went mad cause I said I'll be late .
Then I was freaking tired, but I called Fret, but he didn't pick up .
Hmm, not gonna elaborate .
Then I went to sleep .
And I think Im going to have a afternoon nap right now .
SO TAKKAIRE !
PS; Thanks friends for going for me or w me and everything . Who knows it might be the last right ? And Ahmad Saifuddin, thanks for ytd . WOOOHOOOO ~
" If I pleaded you, would you have listen ? Would you love me the same ?"
*SNORE2*Labels: Bummed: Fall season . Rise season of fights; APRIL
So I was wrong, I apologised
6:00 AM - Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday and Tuesday, boring days .
I hate school .
I love friends .
I need to smoke right now .
I can't wait for Thursday, school ends early .
I agree w FarahDearest, we need a break . A CHALET during June Holiday .
I dread Friday, how bad its gonna turn out .
But oh well, I got a maniac as a 'date' (;
Ilah should stop losing her things, I don't understand she is so alert but still her things get missing .
And I didn't mean to force you or anything to go .Okay, there goes .
Stop treating myy friends like they are yours . Not that I hate it, but SOMETIMES, once in a while, it gets on myy nerve . Thinking how you despise it when people treat your friends like their . If you can accept people doing that, only then I can accept you doing it . Cause I find it unfair, that you do things you don't like . And plus, you only treat them like yours when everyone likes dem . What happened when everyone was hating dem last year or so ? You called dem MYY FRIENDS . Friends accept you as who you are .
Stop using me like your backup .
Stop trying to act like the hero in myy life and making decisions for me .
You may say, you're not but hello, you're pressuring me .
Start understanding me .
The thing is you always think you're right, like you'll find some other reasons to cover up your mistakes but dude you are myy friend and we both make alot of mistakes .
If I can accept mine w/o changing what you mean to me, why can't you ?
The thing is, I want to let you all understand but Im afraid things would change .
But again, maybe Im just overrreacting and stuffs . Im fucked up right now so Im sorry if what I said is untrue . I take back what I said . I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING THAT I SAID . I WAS FUCKING OVERREACTING, BEING MAD DOESN'T MEAN I CAN WEIGH IT ON YOU GUYS
" Babe 1(Farah), I miss those times when eventhough there was only the 2 of us, everything felt secure and ever-lasting . I miss it when you were always there throughout myy whole secondary and important part of life . I miss it when we face problems together . No secrets . I miss you ."
" Babe 2(Ilah), I miss those times when we drink, live, laugh . I miss when you still comprehen me . I miss it when you still confide in me . I miss it when whenever you are there, I would never feel lonely . I didn't say a word cause I felt like I owe you alot of things . I miss THE FACT when there were you ."
"I can't trust . I can't confide . I don't understand ."
Labels: Bummed; Just 6 months and I'll get away from EVERYTHING cause I can feel all this is temporary
Heroic Duo
8:11 AM - Sunday, April 6, 2008
Contented
Today, went to downtown . There, I am even sure that I can't be more sure who myy friends who I can share only joy with, friends who I can even share myy sorrow w and friends who are loyal and true . And I've gotten myy priorities straight and really2 study . Ive seriously reflect and reflect and I know who I love and myy true friends are . Friends are friends but ......
And sometimes I can never tell if Im depressed or not .
But myy true friends, you know who you are, I thanked you all .
I can't tell you how much I love the few of you and there are certain reasons why I don't tell you guys things that I tell him, reasons you would have guessed but not going to hear it from me cause I can't bear to face it ."Facing reality each day feels real and great but it's hurting covered all those good feelings . "This certain someone I owed alot to and never really get to say thank you to once said, " Kawan ketawe banyak tapi kawan sedih siket . And tuh la yang kau patut sayang . Tapi kawan setia lagy siket, mungkin satu jek, tuh la yang kau tak ble hilang . Tapi kadang2, kau terpakse jalan hidup sorang . Keluar dari perut mak kau sorang, masok kubor pon sorang pe. " Labels: Bummed; Let it be, Im incomplete but Im tiny and contented .
Each step felt pressured
10:00 PM - Friday, April 4, 2008
Each day past, and Im even unsure if it'll stay .
And yesterday, i was forced to face reality .
Im fucking pressured, fuck they make the decision for me, not me .
Then they or rather he fucking blame it on myy friends .
I didn't lie, just that I kept a few things from you .
I can't posibbly tell you of myy past cause you weren't there to see it .
Myy friends were, so please stop saying like you know me like WHOA !
Cmon, you're not myy boyfriend, and you're not even close to 3 weeks of knowing me .
Just a day and you concluded you like me .
Thats just plain bullshit, that I needed time to comprehen .
You're a pill, that I needed time to swallow .
You don't expect me to just flow through it, when you just came barging in to myy life confessing you're the one who loves me most right ?
You see, its either you let me try to accept you or just reject you at that moment .
I thought, we might clicked if more time were given .
Dont force me into things if you don't give me time .
Don't be angry if I just rejected you at that moment cause you didn't give me time .Cause of you, I was forced to face the fact that he was never there .
Cause of you, I felt rushed to love someone .
Cause of you, I felt rushed to forget someone who's been there at the tip of myy life .
Cause of you, I felt like a fool loving someone who's never gonna be there .
Cause of you, I fell even more into namby-pamby of confusion .
PLEASE UNDERSTAND .The thing is; did you ever think bout me ? If I felt the same or if Im ready .Labels: Bummed; All I need is time .
Mundane
7:36 AM - Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Irate by Illusions, please please stop this .For once, I was introvert and not jaunty .I guess I'll have to inure myyself w this life .Busy, hectic yet humdrum .He took his revenge, I hope you're happy .Cause I don't give a fuck except the fact that you had to do it when Im fucking ill .Shouldn't have waited .Why am I wasting time, titillating on others when Im quite clear of the one the I want .Pretty much cause, I afraid of commitments .I freaking sick, and he's missing .FUCKIT !" Destitudity and penintent filled me . Im not okay ."Labels: Bummed; Claustrophobia
