Hallucination of the Blind

2009-10-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

Hey readers, I'm sorry for my explicit post that I'mma get on with right now alright.
This whole post is for this no-life whore, named NAZIRA (: as a gratitude for working on a few post in her blog for me and my friends, which by the way clitoris-less bitch, you linked me HELLO! And terpakse gunekan good vocabs pasal dier kan budak berpelajaran, takot taq up to standard nanti(:

Pig-faced, you really freaking think we want your boyfriend. Err, if we wanted to, we could have bloody hell flirt with him in front of you. Hello, I don't even mix with him anymore and you're calling me a prostitute, a slut, a bitch? Oh my goodness and you blogged about it? All I see is you're the biggest joke. And my goodness your language, lu panggil orang minahrep, lu tengok diri lu. Lu gua kapa?!?! Dah tuh, zaman biler mau cakap; 'lu lek one corner pon cantek.'

You have no idea how funny and pathetic you look now. I've been reading your posts, and laughing at your insults but you just don't know when to stop. Trash, I only mix with him cause I was his brother's girlfriend, after I broke up with Affik, I totally hands off with the kids there, including your boyfriend. Asswipe, I have a boyfriend of my own. The price is simple, either you apologise sincerely for flithing our names and stop your abysmally hilarious behaviour or we'll do it my way.

I've been super nice to you, and all the while I've been wishing for you and him to last long but you just acting all high mighty and paranoid and RUDE. And yes, your boyfriend is a nice man. I'm not interfering but infering from your blog, don't act like a diva. You're nowhere near that, not even close.

You enjoy clouding people's name with your mouth, so I guess it wouldn't hurt you to get a taste of your own medicine, exactly what you deserve, spoilt brat. So all I expect is an apology to us or if your ego is too big to say sorry, pay the price(: I can stand any insult except calling me slut when I didn't even touch your boyfriend. Low-life dog, I'm coming for you.

Forever we'll be

2009-07-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

Hello (: Sorry eh , not active here (: So ohh did I mention I finally got budak hingus , Mr Fido , Mr Tagging ? yes after months (: God , I'll never regret waiting for him , cause we're in deep fucken love , alright . Life's alright right now (: Computer's being a bitch , but I'll update as soon as possible okay !

My babies

2009-03-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

Cute eh these kids ! First is Kyna my niece, followed by my nephew Nadil, followed by my cousin Awan, followed by my another niece Nadirah and lastly my another niece, Nadil's sister, Isya (:

So today went to cousin's house and then my kakak sedares seme with their children ader . Then our moms went to go to some place untuk do ape tah, then kite ape lagy control the house ah ! Karaoke, smoke2, shisha2, fuuuhh ! Dengar crite2 dorang, gerek dok gerek . Jage2 budak2 lime ekor nie . Sekali our moms called suroh jumpe pat Swensens, gerak ah kite nan 5 budak, 2 in prams, 3 running around like mad . And then kecoh I tell you ! Makan like what siak ! Then dah habes makan, standard anak dara seme hilang gy bakar nyamok :p
And then my kakak sedares all have to go off nak gy Bukit Panjang and I didn't tag along cause had to meet other people and my mom like kesian banyak barang had to bring home .

And then nightmare came ! The makciks left me with the 5 kids while they went shopping for an hour . I tell you I was screaming my head off . Nadil and Awan were fighting over my attention . When Nadil sits on my lap, Awan pon nak, kaki macam nak patah oytt . Then kene pukol siket, due2 complain . And then, Isya in the pram was crying, nak kuar pram so angkat dier, and then Nadirah pulak nanges nak susu, so while carrying Isya, I fed Nadirah milk, in her pram . And then Awan and Nadil nak sit on my lap . I tell you mat and minah stared at me like what sia ! Niece gua jugak chill, takde kecoh2 dier tawu gua sayang dier gler rabak (: and then Awan ader blister pat kaki ! And then Nadil kene marah nan this shopowner for making noise . Then I had to run to chase Nadil, Kyna and Awan and left the pram . And then I heard Nadirah crying so ran back ! HAVOC HAVOC ! And then sekali, terserempak with my friend, buat maluuu ! Dier tanye, " Na, cepat kau . Majlis kahwin tak jempot, tetibe dah ader 5 anak." AIYOMAK ! ! ! !

............................................................................................................................

After that went home around 5 ? Then Anoi's birthday, so I rush to Pasir Ris Park to meet they all, really2 rush sia ! And then spent time nan dorang . Hahaha, AlyaBaby was there, AdahBaby was there, Azim pon, layan kawan2 Anoi, Shrek Mio seme . Then kite masok swamp jap, Bdae girl nak masok sangat, skali the boys bukak ringtone yang menghilai tuh, Anoi almost cried, gua step strong ! Haha, standard ! Abeh Anoi dah scared, then I walked out with her nyanyi2 hum2, so dier tak takot . Teeeeeheeeees~ What more can I do ? I was scared myself, aksyen heroine jek ! And then Anoi seme balek, then tinggal me, Alya, Shrek, Mio and one more Anoi's friend Idk who . Then layan lah, dorang nye questions, teka-teki seme . Hahaha (:

Nie AdahBaby cutehead(: Nie AlyaBaby, mommy ! Nie, Aina muke busok !

Nie, photographer Alya suke amek gambar aku(: And the 2nd pic kene antar pat BGSS ! Student smoking ! Huahuahuahua !

NIE BIRTHDAY GIRL ! HAPPY 15TH BIRTHDAY ANOIBABY (: MAY YOU BECOME FAZILAH CULLEN (:

Farah's 7eleven mouth (:

2009-03-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

HERE ARE MASYEM'S AND SEPET'S CAMWHORING SESSION (:
"True friends know how stupid you can be but still chose to be seen with you in public"(:

Ikotkan hati, aku mau gigit jek si Ikan Babi kat blakang tuh .
PICTURE OF THE DAY (: LOVEIT !

I know how stupid and ugly Farah can be but I still chose to be seen with her in public .

LIKE A BOY (:
I love this bitch of mine, my number one . Lagy2, ajal dier dah dekat (:

There's still two missing . Things can never be the same, they're ever-changing .

It was a nice day . Gua sampai 761 nye bustop jek, si Farah nye mulot start bukak . Takde tutop lu tawu ! Skali Ina minahrep, paitau kite siuls . Then kite proceed go 100 . Skali Rad call ajak jumpe, then kite jumpe Ilah Yati seme . Haiyoo, satu2 masalah sendiri . Utmostly, I love spending my time entertaining Farah's 7 eleven mouth (:

Gin and Tonic !

2009-03-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IRA NURSYILAH BINTE ****** !
Love you babe , today was awesome . Met YuyulBaby and IraBaby at 765, standard me and Yuyul lambat . Wahh, kite just met one minute, bobal2, like there's no tomorrow . Rindu la kan . Membebel nonesense . Then met Farah pat Bedok Interchange, bertambahlah babble2 . Then we go cam-whoring jap la kan . Girls mahh, then went sheesha at Amirah's Grill *aku dah cakap tempat dier gerek, degil.* Then, kite buat tuh tempat like our place siaaaak ! Baring mane2 kite nak, masok tempat VIPs , fuckkkk gerek gerek . I just love my girlfriends . Then makan makan, sheesha2 . Then Ira went EastPoint, Yuyul went home and me and Farah went to meet Afa at Bedok Interchange .

Stumped, stricken . Terserempak with Nicole, and she went on and on about him . I tell you, I was crossing my arms, and I kept pinching myself and hoping and hoping she would stop . Every time I find the strength, something weakens me down . Like daymmm , and I just can't tell him I'm jealous cause it's inappropriate . I want to make things easier, not harder for him . I'm sooo not going to elaborate on this part . Then, me Afa and Farah slack at 420, Afa nak practise Taiti la kan, my 3rd student . Nyahaha, aku smack kepale kau Afa ! King is bigger than Five, mind you . And Nicole was messaging me, babbling2 . GRR !

Now, I'm stuffing myself with food, and smoking and smoking cause I feel so agitated and unsatisfied with myself and I frigging don't know why, and my menses are errr, whoosyy doopsy luh . And I'm chatting with Afa and Farah about wellington boots and Ikan Babi and chatting with Raphie, well about Nicole =( Toodles .
Sumpah aku sayang seme name orang yang aku mention pat siny, except Nicole (:

Where trouble melts like lemondrops .

2009-03-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

I dreamt of me telling you how much I love you .
And I woke and the very end, when you finally opened your mouth saying,
"But I don't love you."

.To.Love.Doesnt.Mean.To.Own.

You know what is stupid, you miss someone who doesn't even think about you for more than just, "eh mane aina, tak online," minute . To love someone who ridicule you for it . You know what is more stupid ? To be angry that you do . To cry when you miss him . To blame yourself for blaming him . And the stupidest thing is to, want to show him what he means when you know he doesn't bother and to take every mistake as your unworthy-ness and to do everything for his sake but still thinking you're selfish for loving him .

I can't look away, yet I can't look your way . Everything I do for you, isn't sacrifices, it's my favourite things . Like talking to you till you sleep, to keep hoping, to just keep waiting in the line, to wish you the best, better than me . I'll be here, until you're mine or someone's . And then I'll leave, and not regret for waiting for you, cause it's been a pleasure and I don't expect a return from you . Loving someone should be a pleasure, not a debt . Love should be about giving, not owing . Love is a strange game, and sometimes you lose, what matters is the fun and the experience .

I don't tell you everything that I've felt cause I swear I don't it to be a burden to you . I would be anything, except a liability to you, like you owe me . And I struggled and struggled to reassure myself what I'm doing is right . I thank god for everything he gave me cause then I wouldn't be here to recognise this feeling . Everyday I reassure him, how wonderful he is , and how lucky I am and how I don't want to be a burden . Sometimes I want to tell him that I would be there if he ever falls again, that I would give him courage to find strength by himself instead of just giving it to him, when he loses strength and how I'll always help him get through his days . But that would be a burden to him cause I'm letting him know how much he means to me and that he might be feeling guilty cause he don't see me the same way .

I love you and but, never comes together in a sentence, mind you . I just want to be reassure that he does have a thing for me, that's all and I'm willing to wait for that, even if no relationship is involved . Everyday, I make sure he's safe and sound asleep before I end my day, even if I'm super sleepy, to make sure I end my day with hearing his voice cause if I don't wake up the next day, I've at least heard his voice the very last day . And I'll never say goodnight first cause i treasure every minute I hav with him . A hug from him would mean alot more than dining in the most expensive candlelight dinner with the scenery of Las Vegas . I just hope that he'll think of me, not every minute, but at least when he needs someone to cheer him up, even if I'm the last resort . That's how little I expect from him, yet how much I expect from myself . God, if only I can pour out all my heart content, but I'm not really one who's good at expressing my feelings like Afa,*jealousy* and even if I can, it would take a hundred posts to talk about him . Besides, it's complicated, these feelings .

Too blinded by the one you desire , that you didn't look at the one you deserve . But, the one I desire and the one I deserve is interwined, dammit it's the same person (: Take a gazillion chances and courage, I'll wait for him as long as he needs me as company (:

BABY, FOR YOU A THOUSAND TIMES OVER, I SWEAR (:

Sanggupkah bersabar .

2009-02-23T00:27:00.000-08:00

Here goes a post, about a new person in my life who've taken so much space in my life and heart, Mr Anak Rahman (:

We've met before 2 years ago, but I've never paid any attention to him . He was just a typical matrep . And I saw nothing in him . And then a year went by, and by fate, We met again at my LepakCrew's pit . He was cute and look so timid beside his friend . He wouldn't look me in my face while talking to him . When I introduced them to my friends, my friends were attracted to his handsome friends, and I wasn't attracted to neither , at that point of time . But he was attracted to my friend . So suddenly I heard from my friend who's contacting his friend that he asked for my number to catch up with each other, I guess . And one day, we were in a online conversation with his friend, I called him an asshole and he called me awesome . Yes, I know he's silly . And then, we chatted every night online and on the phone . And we meet often . I ended my days with hearing his voice . I didn't know until one day, I didn't went online or called him, and then I knew he meant something .

The first time we met, it was 6.30 in the morning . He was supposed to send me to work . I was 15 mins late and I was super worried he left, but he was there sitting at the bustop, with his laptop and blue shirt and jeans , smiling . We then went to Bedok Interchange and sat at Skatepark as I didn't want to have breakfast, we watched old people doing Taichi and mimicked them . His laughter made me laugh, it's stupid . We got along really well, and it's a wonder why I didn't talk to him a year back, ohh ya, he was someone's boyfriend . And he sent me off to work . I walked to my workplace, thinking about him . At that point, I thought he was just a friend . But looking back, I smiled all the way and now I know the more I knew about him, the more I fall for him .

I brought him to meet my friends, and my friends like him and that don't normally happen . Soon, I always bring him along to my friend's crib for movie marathon and he was my pillow for horror movies . And I felt so comfortable with him and I don't know why . I wasn't normally like that with guys . And then I realise he wasn't like those other guys . We drank together and I got drunk . He took care of me and I sent him to the bustop . He hugged me and I walked back , and finally realised he did hug me, and I smile all the way back . Now I know, without him, I would have never felt this way .

We talked on the phone almost every night, and usually I have to wait for him to sleep . He would ask me to sing, to make stupid cartoon voices or whatever . He so ubberly cute when he's sleepy . I could have mouth cramps, cause of too much smiling and he would have to be blamed . Once, he asked me to express my feelings and say sweet things about him until he falls asleep . And normally in his sleepy mood, he would forget what I say the very next day . So I did, and one point of time he said, "Damn aina, you're making me smile." If only he knew how embarrassed I was telling him about my heart, and if only he knew how I smiled knowing I'm the reason he's smiling . And when he fell sleep on the phone each night, I would whisper that I love him . And then I knew, I'll never get bored of him no matter how many decades I have to entertain him .

Once he said to me, he isn't boyfriend material type . I just disagree, I wish I could have shown or told him how much he fits as a boyfriend . I wish he could see himself through my SEPET eyes . He thinks he knows how I feel about him, but he knows only 1/4 of it . And please stay that way . When a girl likes a guy, she's bound to hate certain things about him . But I love everything about him . When I start off with a guy as friends, I would never fall for him, but I'm head over heels for him . I've never wait for a guy who doesn't like me, but I can't help it . I'm normally rude to guys, but not with him . He's changing the nature of things in my life, but I like it .

His laughter is errrr indescribable . His way of talking is more like draggy2, mat ganja and my friends complained about not understanding what the fuck he's saying, but I understand somehow . His way of explaining is not very useful . He admits that he's ego . He's smart . He's a nice and friendly guy . He's weird in very way . He's not ready for a relationship . He's turning gay cause he lost interest in girls .

He's a heavy sleeper and he's busy and we're not meeting that often . He mumbles in his sleeps . But no matter what, I know he's worth the wait . I know girls aren't suppose to wait for a guy, but I'll wait while trying to get rid of this feelings cause I don't want it to be a burden for him . Neither, I want it to be one sided love . So I shall be there for him as long as he still needs it . So let time decide shall we while I wait . We don;t know anything for sure, but two facts, we've already know I love him and he deserve better .

Awesome-ness

2009-02-21T02:02:00.000-08:00

WITH OR WITHOUT BAMBAM, MYRA PEBBLES ON FIRE .

AND THIS IS US CHECKING OUT AFA THE PHOTOGRAPHER'S BUTT CAUSE SHE WAS SITTING SO SEXILY WHILE TAKING OUR PHOTO

Girlfriends, girlfriends are the cure, baby (:

Ohh yesterday, girlfriends day out ~ We went sheesha-ing at heavenly boys paradise, El Sheikh (: Hahaha, lemme tell you I regret not working anymore cause firstly, no more entertaining Farah at work . And secondly, since I'm not at work anymore, Farah's been talking not much there so she save all her merepek-ness for me . Imagine ah, met her at 2.30 , layanlah seme dier nye merepek . TAK STOP KAU TAWU ! it went on and on and on . For 3 hours, it was only us, ubberly fun I tell you ! And met Ina and Afa, ingatkan dah save from Farah, skali dier continue, aim aku sorang . Gy makan pon, dier habes last pasal bobal2 while we eat ! Then I say to Ina and Afa, "Kalau Farah buka mulot jek kan, kalau speech dier more than 5 secs, kite buat bodo." HAHAHA ! But please Farah, tqmo stop talking, cause she made me laugh the whole day (: Love you babe (:

Then proceed gy El-Sheikh . Si Afa standard, makan lagy . And kite maen card, but it was sorta uncomfortable cause one minahrep sitting in front of us kept staring at uh, dier mokmok taw, tgk kite macam kite dinner g2 . And then I knew abg Rahmat and Toad, kawan Raphie working there . And then tetibe, we received drinks, free drinks, on the house (: And then me and Afa went down, gy toliet . Skali Afa gy toliet suroh aku tunggu pat luar, tak tahan siot . Sekali, my boyfriend la kan, the worker there , smiled and me and point to the handicap toliet, dier sendiri tak tahan but let me use it first . Cute kape dier, stammer2, tersengih2 . " Pakai dulu lah . Err, I can still hold it, I think, can can . Go on la, baek2 taw . Err, licin taw ." He's a shy boy, I like it (: Thanks Afa for going in first, first conversation with my boyfriend . Nyahahahaah~ And then part nakk bayar bill, dorang cakap ader orang nak kenal2 la, jalan baek2 la, datang lagy la . (:

Pat El Sheikh though, ader orang bobal world, and Farah and me quieten down abit, skali start balek bising . Afa balek lambat for us *huggies* Then kite gossip about their guys and Raphie(he's not technically my boyfriend, dope !) . By the way, blog readers, we're not really into those guys at El Sheikh, just being cheeky alright . IT IS A GIRLFRIEND DAY OUT . So result of the day, alot of giggles and laughters and each of us got a boyfriend working at El Sheikh, but stiel, mine is the best (:

And, there goes my salam terakhir to the old LepakCrew cause things got so bad between us . I dowan me and Farah to be used and others to be invovled, and Im not comfortable having to sneaking around to meet y'all and ended up having to use our name to get out of trouble okay . I don't mind, but it's making things so hard for y'all . It's hard to break apart from half of my life, but I think it should happen before my other half crush too .

AND LASTLY, I LOVE FARAH, AFA, ILAH, YUYUL, I guess INA too (: And of course, MR FIDO (urgh frigging name)

I'll take my chances

2009-02-18T00:32:00.000-08:00

So yesterday, I did my every day routine which I've never do for a long time . Kimek, aku jumpe Ilah (: You know how much I used to complain about my every day routine being boring, but I realised I was lucky I had them every time . Everyday I woke up and I know my home phone would ring and I would hear Ilah's just-awoken-voice, and we'll ask each other to siap and go down to meet up . But things changed, and I can't complain cause it's my fault .

So we went down, and I couldn't tell you how my heart thumps seeing her , maybe I missed her too much , maybe I wasn't being unfair, not wanting to tell my side of the story, maybe cause the fact that we've drifted so far apart, maybe just cause I felt like hugging her . Then she came nearer and she smiled at me cause tempat beli minom closed . She was beautiful la, I must say . Then standard, took my lighted ciggarette and smiled, and then I knew we couldn't be awkward . Yes, I haven't met her for long when I used to meet her everyday, but there wasn't a much BIG gap yesterday . So we went to Chai Chee, drank there (: had to go to and fro the toliet, hahaha ! Sekali rokok takde, dah sengket, beli angun kau . Hahaha , then we planned to go back Bedok around 3 or 4 . But we updated each other soo much that it was already 5 something . I must say, she still somehow seems like my big sister, the one who always look out for me . Even when we're far apart, she still keeps a look out, and know what I've been doing . And so, we went back Bedok Inter, met Ina in our drunkard stupor , and me and Ina sent Ilah to 88 cause she needs to go to Yati's crib . It was sad that we had to go behind their backs just to meet . Then Ina and Farah had to take care of me . Actually not really, I just lie down, singing2 for a while then I got up and talked to them and lepak rouine went by (:

The five of us, Yati, Ilah, Aina, Nurul, Farah . Our friendship is so much different than others . It isn't something we expect you to comprehend . It doesn't break that easily . And if it does, there are always strings pulling us back . We're not just friends, or whatever those minahreps called themselves, we're more like a whole . Every thing that we do, it's a 'we' thing, not just an 'I' thing . Our company of friends gets bigger, but nothing beats the five of us . It will always be us . I don't know how to explain our bond . It's nothing that you think of, really . Don't even try to guess . Like Ilah said, "The four of you has owned a space in my heart and if you guys were to be gone, that place remains empty and no one can replace it, no matter who she or he is ."

Sweet gracious !

2009-02-18T00:14:00.000-08:00

So on Valentine .
I was just wanting to go out . And you know how I never make early planning, unless it's a big event . And it didn't matter in the past, cause LepakCrews are always around . So, I called Afa and Ina , and I had to go to Afa's crib ! But I went to Chai Chee first, and awkward moment . Super awkward, and even weird that it's awkward cause we used to be like a family . But oh wells, then I went down to Afa's crib . Ina picked me up . Farah mestilah takde, datie date ! But Ina and Afa are attached , just that guys problems . SEMENYE SELINGKUH ! Hahahaha . Let me just say, Valentine wasn't much of a good one for the 3 of them . But it was okay for me, cause I don't celebrate V day this year, and cause ALL THE SINGLE LADIES ~

So on Monday .
Hmmm, I was supposed to meet Iqah and Ikah to go Far East, sekali Ikah paitao . Plan cancel so I met Afa and Ina who came down to Bedok cause Afa missed school times routine . WOOOWEEE~ Planning nak jumpe Scandal Keem, huhu . Sekali dier busy . So terserempak with the new Sec 4 . Afzhal Shafihhan Rahmat all . Hmm, slack for a while with them and AnoiBaby and AdahBaby came along (: Then sekali terserempak with Zepa and WanBelo . Then we Ina Shahfihhan and Afa went to Bedok Inter , terserempak again with Zepa Aban and Fian (: Sekali Zepa tegor daaaa, me and him pakai same colour baju , Hot Pink . Haiyoooo ~ Dah aku jadi geng tak waras dier ! Then kite went down to Tamp, to meet Afa's lepak people .

Poison and Spells .

2009-02-15T08:45:00.000-08:00

Toast to life, even as it is .

So, 2009 eyhh ?
Have I mention how bad 2008 is that I can list out the good things that happened, cause it isn't so manyy ?
Like,
; stopping my bad habits like skipping class and stuffs .
; stopping addictions .
; LepakCrews stayed through .
; No men, no troubles .
; I've met nice people, especially Muhamad Fido (:
; etc . Okay many not little, but not much .

2009.
Lets talk about SCHOOL LIFE! Pfft, thanks to Maths, I can't go Poly at all . And my parents won't let me go to ITE . So private Diploma or retake, I guess . And fuuuh, I was so fucked up I didnt even apply through JAE at all . Nie tak bley, tuh tak bley . Hidop aku apeee , nakk tengok aku dapat diploma kan . I know la my way through . It's my shit, so I'll handle it . Urgh .

Now, moving on to FAMILY ! We're moving maybe to Sengkang . And I've been begging them to move to somewhere nearer cause it's so unfair . We've been moving, from Bedok North to Tampines to Eunos to Longvale and Longvale feels like home and I don't wish to be separated from familiar surroundings .

Next, WORKING LIFE ! I've got fired . And I don't like depending all on my parents for money . So tomorrow going down to Far East, job briefing with atiK and atiQ . Haiyoyoyoyoyoyoyo .

Now, moving on to SOCIAL LIFE ! *sighs* I don't wish to elaborate but let's just say LepakCrew is . . . . all just a sweet memory . I just don't know okay . I don't wish for it to happen, but it's time I pull through the shits I've got myself into . I mean, let they know themselves . I'm tired of doing explanations that won't do any good . But, I miss them .

And it's been only two months .
I'll dread the other ten months .
BUT, no of course .
I still have Afa, Ina, Rad, Epul and of course Farah and Raphie, yang tersayangs (:

It's time to relax (:

2009-01-18T07:13:00.000-08:00

So, on Friday , it was me and my date (:
So, Farah and me went to work .
Then we thought of catching a movie .
So we lied to our supervisor, saying we got some school stuffs to do .
And we went to Downtown .
Bought Ong Bak 2 tickets, Farah cakap cite hantu !
Hahaha ! I said already cite fight2 .
Then we went to downtown jalan2, window shopping .
Kimekkk, sort sekejap .
Sekali kene screen nan ampai .
Hahaha, funny incident .
Farah and me eyhhh .
Drama siot .
Ader tuh ampai tak kasi aku tgk movie ?
Tak mengamok .
Dier suroh Farah tgk sorang , eywahhh .
Dengar2 dier yg bayar kan !

Thanks to the ampaiS, we were 20 mins late for the movie .
Then bought popcorn and stuffs .
Im telling you , I was like fainting and I could feel as though it were my bones that were breaking .
Sekali terserempak with my ex and his girl .
Hahaha, cute kape dorang .
Apparently they also going to see Ong Bak 2, and my ex said his girl were like breaking his bones . Hahahaha .
Then, we headed back to Bedok, karaoke due orang .
Naek gler .
Kacau2 mengacau orang otw .
Then kite karaoke, we were more like screaming than singing .
Then kite rap la, joget dangdut la .
Tonggang terbalek siakk .
But gerek ah , thanks baby .
Did I mention how much I love Farah ?
Cause for a moment that day, actually the whole day I forgotten about my problems and I felt free, w/o the help of booze ?
Thanks Farah and Bitch for everything (:

Then on Saturday, met Anoi and Adah .
Temankan dorang minom .
Hahaha, they were cute, I must say .
But somehow la kan, they looked sad but were trying to cover it .
It's just the stage of growing up babies .
You got to pull through it, cause there will be more ahead .
You have to taste pain to taste gloryy .
Cheer up babies (:
And I love Adah and Anoi .
After which I met Ilah Affik Farah(sedare Ilah) and some of her friends .
Went to Arab St, Shisha-ing .
Last2 maen Uno siul pat situ . Hahaha !
After then went home and trouble invades .
Thanks uhh, family squabbles .
And the ending is, Fuming brother, Nose Bleeding sister and Limping me (:

I so need a time-out .
As in, a quiet outing .
As in, just slack around with a small group of company .
Farah; I thank you so much for sticking with me through everything .
Bitch; I love you (:

Lowest point of life .

2009-01-13T00:37:00.001-08:00

Anxious .
I sat there, hearing to my principal's speech . As per usual, I'm the first one . Sitting down there, just waiting and cursing and praying . I was fucking sure, I did all I can . Wahh, looking up I freaked out, like totally . Then collection of results time ! I was the first, I just freaking took my result, didn't want to hear to my form teacher's talk and got up and sat down at my place back .

Pathetic .
I sat there alone, staring my stupid result . I didn't even notice what the fuck was going around me and the fact that I was already crying . My friends came to me, and seriously I didn't mean to push y'all, especially Afa . Sorry . I was thinking what the fuck am I suppose to say to my parents . Afa and Farah tried saying some stuffs to me, not that I could recall . But it didn't get to my head straight . All I said was where the fuck am I suppose to go and what the fuck am I suppose to do . Then it's Afa's and Farah's turn . They were laughing and hugging and I took off , to the vendilator . But I changed my mind and went to level 3 girl's toliet and smoked and cried my life away . Siak ahh, for the first time, I wasn't planned for it at all, and seriously didn't expect it . I seriously didn't know what to do with my life .

BUT Afa and Farah managed to find me . Wah, then they called the whole crew down . I sat in the last cubicle, on the jamban but with the top closed la . Farah Epul Afa Ilah like crowd at the front just letting me cry and smoke . Farah stared at me with her puppy dog eyes all the while and I started feeling remorseful . But I couldn't help it . Then I called my parents .

Mom: Ape ?
Me: (my points)
Mom: Dah agak dah .
Me: Hmmm . Im sorry .
Line dead .

Dad: Berape ?
Me: (my points) I did my best, bah .
Dad: Teruk kan ?
Me: No ! Still can make it !
Dad: ITE ah nie ?
Me: No, bah ! Can still try poly . Can .
Dad: You're crying ?
Me: No . I'm in the toliet . Not crying .
Dad: Sighs . Takkaire, bye .
Line dead .

Sister: Cam ?
Me: (my points)
Sister: To me, it doesn't really matter .
Me: Kak, Ibu freaking disappointed .
Sister: And so are you . I think you're satisfied with it, but disappointed for disappointing ibu and abah . Mira, you know they just want you to be perfect . You had it bad uh . Ary, dier repeat, masok ITE pon ibu tak marah . Aku dapat 12 ke 14, aku taknak masok JC pon abah tak marah . They let us do what we want . They put their hopes on you . They don't realise they want you to be perfect, but aku&aryy dah tawu siak . It's enough for me .
Me: It's never going to be enough siak . I'll forever be under your shadow .
Sister: You're expecting too much from yourself just because of ibu and abah . Dalam mate dorang, kau kurang ajar nie seme . Padahal kau yang banyak dengar cakap dorang , dorang jek tatawu . To me, honestly, I've never seen you work so hard to get something you want . Maybe it's just luck .
Me: Yada yada yada . I didn't study hard enough I guess .
Sister: Mi , I'll transfer 50 to your account . You go and relax yourself, tak cukop bilang . Pass me your account number . You go drink or something, I'll takkaire of the rest .
Me: Kay bye kak . Btw, thanks .
Sister: Akak mane tak akan sayang adeq cam kau cibai .
Line dead .

All the way, Farah put her arms around me . Thanks babe . Then I decided I had to cheer up . Then I got up and went out the toliet, Ahmad Alya Afzhal Kas was there . At 100, stared at the result, as if it was going to change . Nangis lagy, kimek bile mau penat . Then, I said to the rest, I promise to cheer up in a min, which I did . Then we went home to change clothes and came down back . There she was, my mother (: Took my result slip .

Mom: This kind of shit you gave me ?! After all, I gave you ?
Me: Sorry .
Mom: You know your cousin got 11 points ? This is what you get ? Blaja ? Blaja takkan dapat nie results . Nie results, slackers2 cam kau jek dapat . I'm super disappointed in you . You don't need to talk to me . Don't be a hypocrite, pretending to cry . You deserve it . Gy jahanam nan kau .

So I went down back with the rest . Met Alya Zal Kas . They tried to cheer me up . Then met Ilah and Affik , they too tried to cheer me up . Then kite minom . Then seme turon . So there was , Ilah Farah Azli Hasnon Agust Raphie Amir . And I got drunk and the thoughts came back . And Farah was the only one who realised it . Ilah was drunk too . And Farah tried talking to me, seriously she made me feel better . And then Raphie somehow realised too . And he tried talking to me . Seriously, I didn't wish to feel that bad . He tried telling me it was okay . He talked to me, sampai terbalek lambat . Sorry bitch . I love Farah and bitch . But I still got to go through this, it is my future .

Then it got really bad . Like seriously, I've never been that drunk or sick . I couldn't even get up . I was telling myself to sober up . But everything was spinning, even things in my brain was . My points, my parents, my life, my future, ITE, poly . I knew I had to clear my head, fast . They made me like eat a lemon . Ilah, I'm so sorry for screaming at you . Then, Ilah made the rest go home cause they were late . So Farah and Has left . Followed by Amir and Agust . Kene pakse . Then Kenet Azli And Ilah were left . We walked home , but somehow Azli carried me although I said I could walk . Thanks Azli . And Ilah made sure I reached my doorstep , and as I walked I looked at her, and thanked her like gazillion times . And I bathed and called they all to thank them . And I called Raphie, firstly cause I miss him and secondly cause I just felt a need to talk to him . And then my dad wanted to talk to me . Then I felt so bad that I fell asleep on the kitchen floor, in tears and forgotten to call Raphie =(

Farah, Ilah, Raphie, Epul, Afa, Agust, Amir, Azli, Kenet, Affik, Ahmad, Alya, Afzal . Thanks (:
Kimek, sayang korang rabak .

Too shallow to swallow

2009-01-05T06:55:00.000-08:00

At home, there's still two sides against me .
Side A : Mom and dearest son .
Side B : Dad and dearest daughter .

How can you expect me to be so perfect when you don't know the meaning of it ?
How can you expect me not make a mistake when you did the biggest mistake of your life, having me as a daughter ?
How can you expect me to get 12 points when all you do is order me around when I'm studying and then pushing me to the ground with critics that Imma fail ?
I'm just 16, give me a break !
Don't give a frigging fuck .
Even my cousins sees it already .
Thanks for bringing me up into this world .
But I'm walking the rest of my life, alone .

Sometimes I would want to be the girl who can count on her sister .
Sometimes I would want to be the lil sister who her brother catches when she falls .
Everytime I would like to be the one who gets kiss by her mom .
Everytime I would like to be the one who gets praise by her dad .
I want my old brother and my old sister back .
I want arwah Mama

A fool believed, I can't just go on like this

2009-01-05T06:40:00.000-08:00

Take a look at me .
Can't you see ?
I'm invulnerable and stronger
That's why I dared to scream at you in anger .

Isn't this what you want ?
So please back off, give me space and air .
I've found the happiness I wanted, so please let me be at it .
You said you wanted me to move on, and yet you're not letting me un-love you
Which I already did .
You're trying so hard trying to remind me about us, but there was never a time when it's just us .
There's always another girl .
You took my dignity away by bringing her down with our friends and had me crying in front there, ashamed of how my friends might think of me .
You already took my rights when you told everyone I was the bitch .
You already my sense of right and wrong when you lied again and again .
You told me to change and everytime I tried to, you say it wasn't good enough .
I'm not your slave .
You find me when you're in deep shit cause you know I won't judge you .
I'm not your toy .
I know I'm naive but not stupid .
I'm just trying to be understanding of how it's like being you .
You already took all my confidence I was trying to gain back .
I can't even see myself without seeing everything's wrong with me .

My happiness is not with you .
So please I beg you .
Please let me go .
Let me do what I want to .
I want to be happy, with bitch or w/o him .

Dammnn, I'm missing my sweet bitch already !

Eveything to give away .

2008-12-31T10:13:00.000-08:00

So, today .
Sighs .
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE !

So, our plan didn't go as we thought it would, but as usual we always make it fun afterall . Firstly, I met Yati then waited for Ilah then waited for Zal and Farah . Then we went drinking at Swing . Then Yuyul came . Then Ahmad and Tita came . Then Rahmat Farhan and Shahreen came . Then Miss Jubs came . Me and Zal and Yati drank . Then Yati left at around 6 for Marina , and left us with 3/4 Smirnoff . Then we played card, sape kalah kene minom . So me and Zal had to drink it . And then Zal Rahmat Farhan Shahreen left for Downtown . Then I drank alone, but Miss Jubs nak siket . "Aku yang mabok ke kau yang sebok ." - annoying kaper . Baru minom due ke tige shot dah mabok . Then bought beer, I drank alone . Ahmad and Tita minom Bacardi, Tita kesian .

Then we went separate ways . Ahmad Tita to Clarke Quay . And Yul's guy sent me Ilah Farah to Pasir Ris Park . At first plan nak countdown pat Downtown, but this year we didn't have the mood to, we have our reasons . Then plan was to watch movie, tapi Ilah kene jage Qiyah . Then plan was to karaoke , but slot takde . Then met Bitch and Pharies and Ina and Afa . Lepak jap, Bitch Pharies Afa went home . Then me Ina Ilah Farah decided to go karaoke .

Gy pit Ina, aku terjatoh dalam lobangg . Right after saying, "Cik, sorry cik datang lambat." and giving way to Ilah and Farah to salam her . But not due to drunkness, due to clumsiness and rabun-ness . Mak Ina ketawe kan . Ina cukop time pon jatoh . Last2 Ilah and Farah had to pull us up . Mak Ina tried to help after Ina said "Ibu ble dudok situ lagy ketawe." Hahaha . Mak, Farah pulled me like I'm some kind of buffalo siak . Serious ! Then I was like ,"Sabar2 . But they kept pulling ." I was like laughing, they were too . I fell like fast or what sia, tetibe I was short . TERBANTOT. Too fast siak, couldn't even catch my breath . Ina jatoh slow motion .

Then karaoke full, next slot kul 1.40 . Ina and Farah nanti tak sempat catch bus . So too bad . Kite makan, slack around . Gerek kape . It stiel fun, ketawe all the way .

Then me and Ilah had a talk . Sighs .

Studies is hopeless .
Family is a wreck .
Friends are falling apart, not by choice .
I'm breaking down .
Like the fall, it was too fast and I couldn't catch my breath .

Ohhh La La La ~

2008-12-25T07:54:00.000-08:00

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
Aina. Myra. Sepet.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU'VE HAD:
applePANTAT. Myra Pebbles. appleBAMBAM.

THREE THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST 33 MINUTES:
Slack around at Ilah's crib. Smoke. Bathe.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
[One]I'm chill chill chilly . [Two]I get along with anyone, everyone. [Three]I manipulate my words well to get to my point w/o being embarrassed or hurting someone (:

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
[One]Kimek, aku boncet rabak . [Two]I'm lazy to entertain much that is unimportant, and people see it as a weakness. [Three]I'm super weak when it comes to my loved ones .

THREE PARTS OF YOUR ORIGINS:
Chinese, Java and as my dad calls it, SUMATRAN. What the fuck is that ?

THREE THINGS YOU'RE AFRAID OF:
Things from the other dimension, clowns and promises .

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
Oversize T-shirt, super short FBT shorts and hairband .

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
Ciggarettes, friends, bitch .

THREE IMPORTANT OBJECTS:
Kekayaan dah technology dunia(mp3, computer, shirt, goods bla bla bla), my Barneys and my heart2 blankett .

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
I like can't think right now .

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
It's all in the mind babe, as said by I-know-who .

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
Too much luh to pick from .

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
[One]Try to unchange things and people in my life. [Two]Tattoo&drugs. Haha, like no . [Three]Get a proper goddamn boyfriend . DAYMMMM !

THREE THINGS YOU REGRET:
[One]Being there at the wrong place, wrong time. [Two]Letting things/people pass by. [Three]Being complacent about life .

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
A FAIR commitment, trust and comfort (:

THREE IMPORTANT THINGS YOU'RE GIVING TO THE WORLD:
Love, chances and truth .

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in order):
Facts, my hair colour is weird and I'm wearing only one contact len . Lie, I'm want to be single for a longg longgg time .

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
[One]Sexy-ness, for example, through the melting eyes or the sexy lips or the way he smile . [Two]Hair ? I like dark colours like brown ? It makes him look sexy . HUHU . [Three]His style . Slack = abs visible = major hottie .

THREE EMOTIONAL THINGS YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
[One]Blurrness ? [Two]Just knowing how you feel at that moment, and knowing what to do. [Three]Honest sweetness .

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
[One]Just stay un-hyper for more than an hour . [Two]Stop blushing when I start blushing . [Three]Understand the nature of these creatures called MEN .

THREE THINGS YOU MISS FROM YOUR PAST:
[One]My aunt who took care of me. [Two]My innocent childhood. [Three]My home at Bedok North Block 92 and forgotten what block at Eunos ?

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
A whole new wardrobe . Infinity dollar of cash and a genie !

THREE REASONS WHY YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE:
My loved ones, experiences, time .

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
Sleep, slack, shopping .

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
Being hugged cause it's frigging cold, smoke and begin a new life .

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
Eyh, I don't know where . Yes, I'm dead, I know .

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR HOLIDAY:
Amsterdam =p California and NEW YORK CITA ! ! ! !

THREE CARTOON CHARACTERS:
Timmy Turner, Patrick Star and Billy .

THREE BOY'S NAMES:
Jake(Hot American), Jay Chou(Chinese), Raphie(Malay)

THREE GIRL'S NAMES:
Chloe(American), Elaine(Chinese), Ain(Unglam Malay =p )

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Take every drug in the world and enjoy life, beg for forgiveness, TAUBAT babe !

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ OR DIE PAINFULLY:
Sesiapa yang hendak bikin, bikin la kau !

Things should be this way .

2008-12-24T09:58:00.000-08:00

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to, why can't I?

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Gone Introvert

2008-12-24T09:29:00.000-08:00

Well, life's been a bitch lately .
Everything goes wrong .
I can't care anymore .
Just chilling, flowing through each day .

Sometimes it seems, the more I care the more pain I have to go through .
So why care ?
Do whatever you want dad, but you're gonna have to tell her and your children yourself .
And boy, say whatever you want to say .
But the fact remains that we both have move on .
You got to let go of the fact that we're moving on so fast .
I'm not going to elaborate .
Simply, Life's.A.Bitch.

Talking about bitch .
My bitch's been nice .
Just accompanying me when I need company .
(:
And his line still remains, "Life is all about ? CHOICES."
And yesterday , I had to bring down Sixth Sense to my house to sing Tanpa to him as a lullaby .

I've been drinking for the past 6 days .
With friends or just alone .
Dah macam pompan giler kapeee !
Didn't know I would do that siakk, drinking alone .
And just now I went to CGH to visit my sister, alone .
Then went to Pasir Ris Park alone , cause I didn't want to go with my family so I went earlier .
And after buying ciggies, I've got 40 bucks left .
So ? DRINK AGAIN .
Go buy at Cheers and sat at PRP alone .
Hahaha, pompan giler pompan giler .
Then around 30 mins later, after less than half Glen's Vodka gone, my sedare called and joined me .
They bought their own drink and joined me .
Thanks eh korang .
Then came Problem One, ader orang carik pasal .
Then yada yada yada .
Went to chalet to meet my family and cousins .
Came Problem Two, kene lecture .
So ya, Life.Is.A.Bitch.

Okay, back to my bitch .
Okay, what the fuck is he doing ?
Cause my body's getting tired of waiting .
WHERE YOU ! YOU WHERE !

Seeking Aina .

2008-12-21T10:21:00.001-08:00

Lepak crew had a reunion !
It was super great .

As the days went by, I realise how much my friends means to me .
How much they make up my life .
Cause I have to be dependent on myself for my own being .
Ohkay, I can't blog about this .
It's too hard to continue .
I just can't type .
It's just the inability to describe .
And the tears .

Wave of life .

2008-12-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

I've realised it's not jealousyy .
I've realised I've known this for a long time .
And it doesn't matter if we ended or not, cause it have never begun .
We were just fine as friends .
I loved you, maybe . But it didn't feel right .
The feeling was like . . . uhh . different ?
As in a bad way of different . I guess I wanted to give myself a chance thats why . We rush things . When I knew, yours were just an infatuation and I was just trying .
I'm just bummed with people taking advantage of me and the chances I give .
He asked me to give myself a chance and him to prove something, anything .
It was never love for the past months , we were just trying to prove something .
We're cool, as friends .
Yet, I should have listen to my friends .
Damn .
Now, I'm throwing every lil bit of my past (:

Maybe, just maybe .
I've finally felt like excited for something different .
It's been a long time .
Like a year or two perhaps ?
Maybe, just maybe .
I like my bytch, as a companion .
I can't put him in the lepak people's list neither the friend's list .
He's just . . . different ?
Different in a good way .
Oh damn, don't tell me .
Don't tell me my friends were right .
I'm like . . . crushing ?

Superman went downhill .

2008-12-14T00:02:00.000-08:00

Who the fuck do you think you are ?
You've fucking cross the line from last time .
But you've fucking disrespected me now .
You can't fucking tell me to change .
Doesn't mean you're with your girl, you can act that way .
I don't give a frigging fuck, who your girl and you are .
But you, off all people have no fucking rights to tell me who i should be .
Don't act all 'you cant get over me, aina' in front of your girl .
Don't act like you're a fucking big deal in front of her .
You're just a dick to me .
Cause I've known all your tricks .
She will too .
I've known it for a while but I didn't want to believe it .
It's a shame I've love you .
And it's a shame that I can't seem to get over you .
I don't fucking care if you want to fuck her or whatsoever, just at least leave me out of your whatever .
It's stupid that I hate your company cause you're with another girl , but still entertain you cause I don't want to be a jerk when you called me and sit next to me .

I'mma talk to FyfyBytch now .
He's a nice friend .

(: (: (:
If I was Ina, I would be thankful he had a crush on me (:

You bother me .
You don't matter anyway .
All that mattered is us and our memories .

Spin around for another chance .

2008-12-10T23:28:00.001-08:00

I'm not plotting revenge .
But it's karma, dude .
You played me , you put on an act .
Mine was just moving on with life and I'm not putting up and he's just a friend .
A friend I'm getting to know .
It's not myy fault that myy friends are trying to matchmake us .
And it's not myy friend's fault that they want me to be happy cause they love me .
True love, unlike yours .
Maybe you and me were all an act .
We all saw what happen .
You hurt me yet myy friends were the ones who had to wipe myy tears .
You swore me yet myy friends had to apologise for it .
And you didn't even know all this .
You played me once, with her .
She knew about me, I knew nothing about her .
And it was 3 days after myy bdae .
And on myy bdae, you went to meet her before me .
And you didn't even spend myy bdae with me .
And now again ?
You told me to fight to the end .
You told me to fight for your love against those ladies .
Don't you think it's enough ?
You said you gave up, that's that .
Don't try again .
My heart closed, yet with your name in it .
I suck, alotttt .

" Losers make promises . Winners make commitments. "

2008-12-08T01:07:00.000-08:00

Ahahaha . Some friends just can't be trusted eyhh ? It's my deep secret and I definitely do not want others to know . Eyhh fuckkk .

Anyway , that's not a big deal . This is the big deal . Imagine this, I went home from work . Met myy friends and came AffikBabyy or should I say AffikAhole . He was with this girl . And he didn't sit with me and my friends, he sat with that girl . And he slept on the girl's lap . Ohh, he was truly enjoying himself . Keep this in mind, he calls me his babyyy .

And then in the night we talked . And he asked me if I saw the girl he brought just now . I said yes , with a big DUH there . And he asked if I knew who that was . So I say the girl he's dating . And he said, he using that girl for moneyy . And that he making that girl his girlfriend . And that my attitude suckss . And the phone went dead .

So my pride was hurt, ALOT . And yeah, I shattered . But I left him a message wishing him all the best with the girl . And he called me again, I hung up . And her called again, so I picked up cause I've got the idea he's never gonna give up till he breaks me completely into amino acids . And guess what, he said it was all an act to hurt me ! And that his heart is always with me . Heyho, he's one damn good actor . Cause my friend saw that girl's picture as his screensaver 3 days ago .

The thing I don't get is, he said he needed space as his exams were coming so I laid back . And he brought that girl down and told me he was studying with her . And I trusted him . And myy attitude sucks ? Everything I do to him isn't right . Sucks doesn't it ? Yes, he does .

And guess what, he told me, that he's just playing around with girls, alot of girls . Keep this is mind, he calls me baby stiel (:

And now, he's at that girl's grandmother's house to meet the girl's family . Awesome ! I've made a conclusion that if I ever get mad at him, he would say this, "I've told you already what about all the girls . Why should you get mad ?" Which means I have no right to be mad cause he gave me a warning . Daym, I'm super dumbb .

Alright eventhough I'm writing like it's not hurting, it hurts so bad that it's so numb .
"No matter how much you disgusts others, I've never asked you to change your anything . But you asked me to change myy everything . "

And myy party life begins

2008-11-27T07:52:00.000-08:00

I still can't believe I've graduated !
Awesome !
Boring !
I had being busy but I hate being too free .

Movie marathon, barbeque pits, chalets, overnighting, drinking days, shopping, gigs, concerts, star gazing, karaoke-ing, job searching .
If not, slack around Bedok .
What more can I do ?
I'm not complaining but neither am I rejoicing .

Ahh, I've got an idea of something to do .
Something I've never done for a while .
(:
DATING ! (:

I miss BGSS !

PROM NIGHT !

2008-11-14T23:08:00.000-08:00

After prom, jadi tak senonoh . Mister, I've been robbed, can I have some money please?

My two mummys (: LOVELOVE

The sweetest couple and me (:

Dancefloor with the sweetest girl (:

Girls were lining up to be my date, wearing that (: But I chose Ilah of course, with her sexy butt (:

Wooohoo~ Mr Lim , POA teacher . It's a shame we didn't take a picture with Mrs Wadhwani

Simpan dalam hati selamanye (: Gorgeous sweethearts (:

Yuyul, dearest sexy girlfriend (: Loved :D

Awesome picture (: With those who means alot (:

PICTURE OF THE DAY (:

SAYANGSAYANGSAYANGSAYANG

I truly love everyone here ! Like seriously !

Me&Abbas (: LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE

Everything I want brings me back to you

2008-11-14T07:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, O Levels are over . So is prom night .
So, I can start blogging back .

So, prom night .
Okay, I had to wake up at 9 to meet Ilah . She wanted to go Bedok Inter buy stuffs .
Actually, I was supposed to wake her at 8 and meet her at 9 but as per normal aku star karat (:
Ape tak , semalamnye talk to Ilah on the phone until like 4+ .
So we met at 10, proceed to Bedok Inter . Jalan2, tak jumpe barang dier . Ended up we found the things she wanted at her area . Then went up her house, dyed her hair . Waited for Afa, then I went home to get ready, then went back to Ilah's house .
Apparently, tak kuar colour dye nye .
Haiyo , kecoh .

Then while the girls are at Ilah's house, the guys are at Epul's house . And of course, Farah with Fuad . Although only 4 of us going prom, the rest helped out . So it's more like our prom (: thanks eyh guys . Love you . We reached Goodwood Park Hotel at about 730 . And spend some time finding the ballroom and our table . Rupenye, kite dudok btol2 depan . Then met Abbas, Atikah, Khai, Nisa, Hafiz, Ida and Jia Yin . Then prom night went on . Ahmad was sick at first, lucky he was alright after dancing (:

Dancefloor frigging small . But well, joget jugak . With Abbas, Ahmad, Farah, they all .
Ilah lari2 . Takpe, not her thing , pakai high heels kaki dier saket . Takpe, countdown ader *evil smile* . But seriously, I wished Mrs Wadhwani danced siak , conferm sexyyy .
(:

Felt cold in there , so pakai Abbas's tuxedo .Thanks hotstuff *ohh please* (:
Then every girl, took a photo with me as their date . And girls were also queueing up to take photos with Abbas of course ! Pfft ! And Epul and Rad went it after the prom night . Sweet (: Huhu, yup . Camwhore with all uhh .
Will post tomorrow .

Went back Bedok and met Nurul, slack jap .
Around 2 went back .
Had Epul and Rad to send me back cause I kept falling, dah penat .
Thanks dudes (:

Did I mention, my feets are still sore from wearing high heels .
And did I mention I feel down since after prom .
=(
I guess I'm afraid of drifting apart and losing them .
People like Ahmad, Farah, Afa, Sarah, they all .
And also Yuyul, Ira, Saffa, A'an, AmadTue .
And of course, Abbas .
(:

Next challenge, to find a job on Saturday .
YAY !
*whines*
=(

Sulk and pout

2008-07-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid this time butterflies don't fly so high .
I'm super sick, I think I'm dying .
I know, exaggerating but seriously !
Mayn, I sound like a 5-year-old kid .

The sweetest thing is myy friends missing me in school .
Even myy fearsome bully - Abbas .
Gawd, I am so missing alot in school .
Gossips, studies, gossips, notes, gossips .

But the un-sweetest things ARE
1stly: Not smoking =( wait thats good too, I wanted to stop . Okay so moving on
2ndly: Slacking is not fun cause I'll end up troubling the others w this illnessES .
3rdly: Medicine taste like sperms, yucks .
4thly: I have to go back and forth to the doctor for the stupid oxygen mask, most of the time myyself cause it's the morning and myy friends are schooling and I just won't allow this someone to use this as a reason to skip school .
5thly: The stupid oxygen mask is not only tiring and painful, but it made things worse . I was better on Monday, but on Tuesday after the session, things got worse . Breathing is so painful and sleeping is so uncomfortable . URGH URGH URGH !
6thly: Affik scolded me and pinched myy ear ! Okay maybe it's myy fault . I wanted to smoke just to get rid of the pain . But he was sweet, he took care of me and send me anything I needed if I asked for it . He was going to send me porridge and redbull(which reminds me, he pinched me again for drinking that ) but I didn't want him to see me whining at home so I declined .

But overall, I'm thankful . My mama says this is a hint from God . A cure for stopping myy addiction as myy body is not getting used to it . I'm so not going back to it . Cause this cure is so painful that I'm not willing to go thru it once more PLUS it's so going to take everything in myy life .

Okay, now Affik is nagging bout how it's time to take the yucky medicine, and myy brother is sumbat-ing it into myy mouth . Wow, how lucky am I -__-
Off I go, wooowweee )X

Btw, to those who are close to me in school and have not seen me at all these days . YOU GUYS OWE ME A WEEK OR MAYBE MORE DAYS OF ENTERTAINMENT FOR MYY ABSENCE IN SCHOOL FOR SO LONG . DON'T THINK Y'ALL GET GET AWAY ! make that everyone in school . CAN'T WAIT (: AND I BET YOU GUYS CAN'T EITHER . YOU BETTER (:

Sometimes, one have to solve his own problems, alone .

2008-07-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

Here comes the roller-coaster ride, I am so not prepared .
At least let me catch my breath, please .
This is the real showdown .
Ask me again why I don't trust myy own blood
ASSHOLES (:

REGULAR BASIS !

Confirmation, please / I beg you .

2008-07-10T06:29:00.001-07:00

I apologize to both of you for being stuck in the between .
I'm sorry for not being there, for throwing shit on your face when all you gave me was all I needed .
AND I'm sorry that he wasn't there, that he repaid pretence to me, when I gave all .
Mostly, I apologize to my own self for not giving myself a chance .

I'm glad that I'm stronger, invulnerable .
Showing I've gotten over the 9 months in a week .
I'm loving this life, having the chance to breathe w/o being told I'm unabled .
Finally, I'm letting me loving myself even when I'm already so weak .

I'm hating the fact, that I'm not letting anyone control me , instructions .
How I'm so generous physically, not mentally .
I want to change my views, my ways and myy concentration .
But , that would mean I'll still have to pretend , walking down the same dark alley .

I am letting myself love you, but I'm not letting you love me .
I know, I'm silly but one thing, this is not what I wanted .
Who wouldn't want to be loved and happy ?
It's hilarious how I can feel something that I don't want to .
Yet, not being able to feel what I longed for .
It's wonderful how I can love someone else after you .
Yet it's sad that I can't stop relating him to you .
And it's ever more sad, that I'm not happy that he's loving me .
Cause I'm feel guilty, and used to being rejected .

Aku nak sebat Nabilah (:

2008-07-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to mend a thing that is already so-nearly-perfect, that doesn't need any corrections .
And I finally realized, I should correct myy own self, cause that is what makes this worse .

I know giving up is the worst decision .
STILL . . .
I wonder if I walk out would be better .
Baby, I can't deny that I think about you , and the fact that I miss you .
Yet, I also can't deny that I worry about you more, and you just can't seem to understand why .

Deeply in my heart; Not Over It .
Don't ever ask me if I love my last one more .
Cause you know the answer, and I'm still denying it, yet admitting that I love him .

Malacca trip got me tripping and thinking

2008-07-06T23:45:00.001-07:00

alhamDULLILLAH (:

Baby I see you working hard .
I want to let you know I'm proud .
Let you know that I admire what you do .
The more if I need to reassure you, my life would be purposeless without you .
If I want it , you got it .
When I ask you, you provide it .
You inspire me to be better .
You challenge me for the better .
Sit back and let me pour out my love letter .

Let me help you .
What you want to eat boo ?
Let me feed you .
Whatever you desire, I'll aspire .
Sing you a song .
Turn The Game On .
I'll brush your hair .
Want a foot rub?
You want a manicure?
Baby I'm Yours I Want To Cater To You Boy

Let me cater to you .
Cause baby this is your time .
Do anything for my man .
Baby you blow me away .
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert, and so much more .
Anything you want just let me cater to you .
Inspire me from the heart ,
Can't nothing tear us apart .
You're all that I want in a man;

Let me hold you in my arms .
I just want to take the stress away from you .
Making sure that I'm doing my part .
Boy is there something you need me to do .
If you want it, I got it .
Say the word , I will try it .
I know whatever I'm not fulfilling .
Another woman is willing .
I'm going to fulfill your mind and spirit .

I promise you . I'll keep myself up .
Remain the same chick
You fell in love with .
Baby I heard you, I'm here to serve you .
If it's love you need, to give it is my joy .

I want to give you my breath , my strength , my will to be here .
That's the least I can do ,
Let me cater to you
Through the good
The bad
The ups and the downs .
I'll still be here for you .
Cause you're beautiful .
I love the way you are .
Fulfill your every desire .
Your wish is my command .
Your heart so pure .
Your love shines through .
The darkness we'll get through .
So much of me will be you . So much of me was him, now it's your turn .

What I gave to you, Im snatching it back to cater to him . I gave you the best I had , but I'm giving him better than what I gave you .

Accidently in love .

2008-07-04T03:39:00.001-07:00

SWEETHEARTS, AINA IS OFF TO MALACCA FOR 4 DAYS !
PS: I know, pathetic , youth day only sia . Myy mom kept changing plans, end up I'm going on Fri instead of Sat, and I had to cancel all plans w friends . Sorry babes , I'm going to fucking miss you guys . ILAH . FARAH . NURUL . YATI . AND AFA , AHMAD , EPUL , RAD ! ZAL (:

Lastly, one word ; alhamDULILLAH ! =p

It's time to realise it will all get better in time

2008-07-03T08:29:00.000-07:00

ALHAMDULLILAH ! (:

I don't do perfect, I love perfunctory or challenges

2008-06-26T04:35:00.000-07:00

Today was goddamn fun .
Im so loving school, at least unless our seats will change .
Haha !
Me and Farah ended up laughing the whole day .
Haha, she claims there's satans in class 4/3 .
Fucking fun !
Afa was expressionless .
And this is Farah's way to stop laughing : HAIZZZ ! ASTARFIRULLAHHALAZIM !
Mine was : OKAY2, TAK KLAKAR, TAK KLAKAR .
We kept on saying that to ourself to stop from laughing, but couldn't .
(: Myy baby (;
Afa asked me just now : Abe Farah ape ?
I answered : Farah ? Dier bestfriend aku tak pena tinggalkan aku sampai sekarang(still counting) .
And I mean it .
FARAH, is the one who seen me grow at the upmost important verge of myy life .
ILAH, the one who walks in, not everytime, but at the point of needs .
&AFA, the one who makes me understand myyself and make me realise, and keep trying no matter how hard-headed I am .
ILY all, including the rest .

Which reminds me, I feel so bad .
Guy: "I am so sure . I'm reserved for you. No rush, take your time ."
Me: No no, don't . Seriously . I wouldn't want you to lose out on any opportunities, especially when I'm not sure myyself . What if there's no gain just loss ?
Guy: Idc cause I am so sure , and all I ask for is someone who I can pour out myy feelings to which I kept for 4 or 5 years . I don't expect much .
Me: You don't . But I expect ALOT from myself and commitments expects alot . Listen, honestly, I'm afraid of commitments . Alright FRIEND, I'm dizzy, off to bed .

The I-don't-know-what-number-already guy Ive been pushing away for someone who is just, haiz .

No looking back, I can't fucking regret, cause I made this happen . I don't need all those flings or whatever, I just need myy friends to understand why I'm still hoping for rain that would never pour . Waiting for him means I have nothing to gain or lose . Cause I have all I need to replace everything else, YOU GUYS (:

------------------------------Forgive me, I'm just a kiddo ---------------------------------

2008-06-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

HUHU !
I'm soo goddamn jumpy .
Why ? Cause myy family and friends are awesomely awesome !
And why ?
Haha, obviously shopping .

Okay, so let me talk about my June holiday .
Nothing much .
On 13th June, celebrated Ilah and Fret birthday .
Whoa~
Things didnt go as planned, it went better !
Firstly, I met the birthday girl first .
And we went drinking, Smirnoff .
I took the first shot, to toast Ilah's birthday .
I didn't drank much cause I vomitted at myy 3rd shot, wonder why the fuck !
Called Yati down .
In the end, Ilah drank 10shots, I drank 5 and Yati 5 .

Then went to Bedok Inter, OKAY FUCK ! ILAH WAS FREAKING WASTED .
And it was embarrassing, and Yati wasn't helping .
Then we asked Ilah to go to Skatepark to meet the rest, Thankgod she's high and didn't ask much .
Then met Nurul, Han, Epul and Epul's bro at Primadeli .
Like, we had to run around Bedok Inter to buy stuffs !
Get a cake, get things to sabo and shop at NTUC mcm paham siul kte !

Then we went to OCH, to meet Zal and Fret . Haha, then went to Changi Point, and the fun began .
They were blindfolded by shawls .
And then we sabo-ed them .
And smash cake into their faces .
THINGS WE DID:
1) Stuff/decorate the cake w fake but urghh insects
2)Put sparkles in their ciggarettes .

THINGS IN THE SABO ITEM
1) Cheapest flour .
2) Cheapest salt .
3) Cheapest red bean .
4) Cheapest spice .
5) Cheapest santan .
6) Whiskers .

(:(:(:

But sadly tomorrow school reopens :(

2008-06-11T08:21:00.000-07:00

I just sat at home in front of the damn screen or tv screen .
Afa came by, and I decided to cover for her .
As in I could have followed bring myy niece along .
But I think Irfaan would want alone time w her .
So jyeah .
And I think bringing my niece would be difficult .
That's myy gift guys for your 5th MONTHSARY !

And I melt in your presence like I've never have or will .

2008-06-11T01:01:00.000-07:00

"since u said we've nt known each other much then why do u still ask mi whether i still like u or not. And since u said that why cant u just give us more time to know each other better, u're bring self-fish to me n urself. give others n urself a chance. "

And I went speechless after an hour of debating cause of what he said soon after . This I just can't deny, but I tried lying myy way out, cause I just wanted to make myy point:
You're being selfish to me too, cause im afraid of commitments, give me time . I was wrong we're not better off as friends, we're better off as strangers, what we originally were . I am sorry .

And till now I can't stop thinking bout what he said .
Am I selfish ?
Am I just not thinking about myself ?
Like, I'm not giving anyone a chance except him, who's I'm unsure of giving me up .
I'm tired of depending on time .
And why is it this time, being faithful is just so wrong .
God please guide me to the right one .

It's not the best, it's the ones (:

2008-06-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

HERE THE EXTRAGANZA PICHAS (: EXCEPT FOR ILAH AND ME WEARING DRESSES . PASS IT TO ME BITCH ! (:

OUR BEAUTIFUL HAIR-DOS !

OUR FUNNY MOMENTS

PICTURE OF THE DAY !

Look at my lips, Farah's hair and Afa's everything (:
They're loved ! 1oo6o8, it's true friend's day (:

Bestfriends and mom ! (:

2008-06-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

Myy bestfriends came to my crib today (:
First, met Ahmad update him on Friday .
Met NisyaBABY to take slack . ILY !

Farah and Afa came to myy crib to just slack around and gossip .
(:
Girls stuffs .
Mom was great, was friendly (:
Haha, we camwhored alot alot .
Stupid faces, funny hairstyle .
Haha !
Then around 7 they went home .
Fun day .

Then around 8 Ilah came .
Her friends ditched her .
She was sort of .....
Won't say it here .
Hope her birthday won't be spoilt .
She ate pancake .
We smoke .
She drank pepsi .
She was beautiful in the blue dress .
She's always beautiful .
So is Farah and Afa to me (:
And Mom too .

Then went online, Mr hottie hot hottie was online .
Pick some guts and asked him to tag along on Fri .
He passed me his number :)
AWWW !
And he protected me !
double AWW !
Can today get anymore awesome ?!!?
Cause I'm so not complaining (:

But Kyna is, cause I've not entertain her for the whole day .
She've been seeking myy attention and finally sulking now cause I just not paying any .
Little kid, clever (:
Tawu rindu aku !
Nyehehehes ~~
I'll post the pichasss soon, real soon !

IBU ! FARAH !ILAH ! AFA ! (:

MOM I LOVE YOU!

2008-06-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

I LOVE FARAH !
I LOVE ILAH !
I LOVE AFA !
I LOVE ZAL !

its always down to these four bitches !

AHMAD SAIFUDDIN !
NISYA !
FRET !
RAD !
epul !
(:
credits to all

So beat it .

2008-06-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

That's why I'm weak .
Cause friends, they mean something .
I don't act ego cause I can't take a chance to lose them .
That's why I just smile when they point out my weakness .
Cause I don't lose anything .
I'm afraid if I rebark, I'll lose them .

I'm not that friend .
I'm not that friend who'll judge her friends .
Or ask them who the fuck they think they are .
I'm not that friend who share my problems cause I'm afraid they can't accept .
I'm not that friend who have the right to detestate them, unless I detestate myself .
I just won't be that friend anymore .

Friends

2008-06-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

Aina go get a life. I don't mind you popping into my problems but do you even know what's happening now and then? Don't start shooting with your unlicensed mouth. If you want it to be over,I'm fine with that because there's more from where I come from. That neighbourhood kids are always waiting for me. They are much more conventional than you are.And I'll stop only when I think it's time for me. Don't make me detestate you,dammit.

1st line: I have a life (: better friends than you .
2ndline: The problem is you and it's not my fault you're an asshole to everyone . And that's myy friend's friend's laptop and I'm afraid that my friend would be involved .
3rd line : Wow, my unlicensed mouth ? From what I remember I just asked things, and suddenly you asked me to shut up .
4th line: Waiting for you ? Haha, kid, there's much that you know .
5th line: I'm definitely conventional than YOU are .
6th line: Go and die .
7th line: I'm so scared that an asshole gonna detestate me (:

Dude, I don't mean all that above . Like seriously .
It's just a post I would have written if I was YOU to reply .
It's just a post I would have written if I was the old me, the cherry old me .
But this below is the post I am writing .
But myy point is, you're really not an asshole, but you're not proving it much cause then you won't post about your friends acting like she's crawling to you like you're her only friend .
Why don't you post about those times she helped you console about the cases you had ?
Why don't you post about those times she lied for you ?
Why don't you post about how she never blames you ?
Cause those are the things I posted, problems I just solved, I don't post .
You let people look at your friends like they're a pile of shit, like they ill-treat you .
Cause you never state the great things they've done .
She's a girl, and you should consider her feelings .
I feel insulted .
With everything that is going on, that post you made bout me, thanks .
I'm your friend, not Dudy, not Danish .
You treat them better than me .
Dude, you're putting yourself in a higher rank that we all .
Like you're worth judging us, judging me .
When I know I'm not worth judging you .
I'm not even worth judging myself .

I'm so sorry, but I feel too insulted .

The best thing is you've never say sorry for those things you said like 'Who do you think you are?

"As if reality wasn't enough, you hit me with insults and shits I can never understand or stand . These are what we call friends . They don't lift your head when you hung it down, they'll step it lower, no, to the lowest ."

Shaking from the pain that's in my head, I just want to crawl to someone's warmth

2008-06-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

Life's been average lately .
Even if it isn't, I don't know .

It's average in the way how myy life is .
As in, maybe to you it isn't .
I don't go out as much as I do .
School ended, June break starts .
I just spend myy time on computer or sleeping myy head off .
I've been thinking, if mom can believe I can stop myy habit .
Why aren't I giving myself the chance to live normally ?
I guess it's true that people just don't stop till they get it right in their face .
Mom's right about what she said , she's being open bout it .
And I know I should be grateful, but I feel uneasy .
Doctor said, myy blood pressure is too low .
He told me to stop smoking too habitually, but he doesn't know that it's not smoking cause I don't smoke that much, in fact littler that last time, but it's another bad habit that is increasing .

It's not that I don't want to .
I just can't .
I don't expect others to understand, but myy mom do .
Cause she knows whats an addiction .
Cause she knows how hard it's been for me .
I thought she's unaware of myy world, but it's me who's unaware of her knowing everything, and seeing me cry or in a daze almost everynight, regretting .
It's nothing like smoking, it hurts me .
Yet it's harder to stop .
I STARTED PRAYING 5 TIMES A DAY (:
Meeting counselor in a week, hope it helps .
Cause I'm weak .

"First it was a trial, then it became a cure, then it turned to a hallucinating addiction."

Ilah's and Fret's birthdays are coming .
One word, they're DEAD (:

-As I lay on this grass, gazing at those stars, I miss the times when I lay on myy mom's lap feeling secured, knowing my future is bright ahead and I can't wait to live it . But now, I'm afraid of my future . Even the bright stars can't challenge myy mom's love that she has shower on me .

"These raindrops, I hope they're not myy tears. No, it's her blood ."

Quiz; Tagged by Zul and Rad

2008-05-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

AKU DAH BUAT DAH ! TQMO MEMEKAK !

#1.If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
I'll keep quiet to see how far can he go, and then let him see how far I can go .

#2 If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
Be completed; with true friends, a great boyfriend, a great career life, a great happy family, a stable life, happiness . Travel around the world and be anything, but typical .

#3 What will your dream wedding be like?
I want to marry a Mongolia , cause like WOW ! and I would just want all my loved ones to attend, I want it to be like a Barney concert for the kids :D

#4 What would you do with a billion dollars?
First, I'll buy dresses ! shoes ! vest ! And I'll treat everyone . Then, I'll bring FARAH, ILAH, NURUL, YATI to come live w me at NEW YORK CITA ! Then bring along, Afa, Ahmad, Epul, Rad .

#5 What's your ideal lover like?
Hazel/Watery eyes . Great dresscode . Have kisses that can make me forget the world . Sweet smile . Knows how to avoid temptations cause Im not that beautiful, compared to other girls . Knows how to takkaire of himself before taking care of me . Have a vehicle, Im tired of walking and public transport :p

#6 Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Loving someone is a sweet experience to be appreciated after getting someone . Being loved is blessed .

#7 How long do you intend to wait for someone u really love?
I don't wait actually, I usually just try to move on, but actually Im missing and waiting . So far, the longest is 1 or 2 years . And currently, I think I am waiting, but as always its just useless patience .

#8 If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Turn off, move on . But if he ask for help, I'll state myy honest opinion . In future, if we have a chance, then we'll talk bout it .

#9 Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Alot of things . Yet, I still hope there'll be the sweetness to make it average . And that's me .

#12 How do you see yourself in ten years time?
I don't see myself . I plan for tomorrows like baby steps . I only see myself in the next 2 years, in Temasek Polytechnic taking Tourism&hospitality/Accountant course .

#13 Who is currently the most important people to you?
I don't rate, all are equally important . And I'll just compromise by saying LIFE is the most important people .

#14 What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Haha, which one ? Rad ? Zul ? One common thing is; they rock !

#15 Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
Marriage is in your hands what . What's the use of being married if you can't even afford to have babies . So single and rich :D

#16 What's the first thing you do every morning?
Comb myy hair, look in the mirror and think to myself, another day . plans ?

#17 Would you give all in a relationship?
Yes, but not myy 'tiara' and I gave all in a relationship but he's not myy boify and that's myy mistake .

#18 If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
Time will tell . In the meantime, both .

#19 What type of friends do you like?
Anything, I don't think I am rightful enough to judge which type of friends are the best

A fool believed, I can't just go on like this

2008-05-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

Imma take a bow .
Cause I've taken everything else .

Babe, thats where you're so wrong .
You said you won't judge, think back aren't you judging .
Please don't act like you know her better cause I know she understand myy situation .
I just wish you would too .
I know how you are, you're caring but you want the truth to be splat to your face and I would do that but I just need time to adjust to all this shits .

She knows I'll tell but I just need TIME .
Babe, time is mine .
I know what to do when it comes to me eventhough how stupid I may have been .
This is how best friend's friendship works .
They don't pressurized you, instead these friendships makes you confident that you'll survive .
Look dearest, I didn't chose to open up to them .
I didn't even know that they knew .
You know I don't choose friends
I was acting like nothing happened when suddenly she asked me when Imma tell her .
Cause she knows .
She had initiative .
Cause she called myy house when I was away in the police station .
Myy mom told her .
Tell me, how can I stop that ?
You think I want her to know ?
I just want to live on w/o letting anyone knows .
But not that Im not facing it, I am but just I made a change .
Im doing it alone .

I realised that it's not her fault .
It's mine .
But babe, Im pleading you to give me time .
Cause Im just like you a 16-year-old .
I know dearests, both of you care so much .
Sometimes, I know I don't deserve it .
But Im tired of being weak .
I just thought if my family is ashamed of me, you would be too .
You just see part of it, you don't see the whole junk .
Why ? Cause it's me experiencing it .

Babe, it's more to me than just confiding in you guys .
Cause there's more that meets the eye .
There's more than just what you know .
Thats what Ive been trying to tell .
But you guys means alot more than all those, you should know .

Babes, I plead for your forgiveness .
Ive turned shallow .

I just want to owe myy life to myself and God

2008-05-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

MY ROLE MODEL

To myy ones :
Im sorry for not opening up .
I just wish you would understand .
How can you expect me to open up when I haven't even face it .
Im tired of not facing it .
I just hope you guys would understand, I thought you all you know that I would tell you but just not now .
I haven't been unfair, I never did tell anyone .
They just found out, they had initiative .
And you all could have at least give me time .
I had alot to deal with .
I was just expecting you guys to just not worry, I just expect us to just live as per normal and I deal with myy life by myself .

Cause I don't want to be judged .
You may say that you don't judge .
But somehow slowly you are showing that you are judging .
If you can't accept me now, then just dwell on the old Aina .
Cause she's never coming back, I tried to being her back but I realised you guys don't want her .
But neither do you want this new Aina .

And is it fair to me ?
Think for a second .
Which one of you spend enough time to understand myy world ?
Myy hectic life ? I just pretended to be hectic, cause you guys have no time for me and I don't want to get your symphaty .
And I understand that it's not your fault that you're busy .
But I just don't understand why you can't understand ?
You can't spend time w me and just won't understand that Im not opening up ?

And you expect me to face it all at one go .
I just don't tell anymore .
None know everything .
Some people knows this part .
The other this part .
I don't choose, they are the one .
I just tell things that are affecting you guys and eventually I tell EVERYTHING .
Even that, you guys are not satisfy .
You of all people should know, I need time to open up .
Like you said it's better to hear from the person itself, how come I don't get those since last time ?
You tell others your feelings and Im just left, ensured that you're okay and just letting you live your life cause I don't want to make the same mistake and lose you like how I lost her .
Then suddenly, BAM ! I was told how you miss the old me .
I changed for all . I've always been happy with the old me, but the my life is not so I changed .
Have you ever wonder how I endured ?
Cause I thought you'd understand and I should too .

Im sorry for not showing how sorry I am .
Im sorry for just not being a good friend .
Im sorry for not opening up .
Im sorry if you think Im just retaliating what you gave to me .
Im not, Im just trying to understand .
Trying not to make any changes, and to do so I just .........
I don't want anymore changes .

" Why do it seems like the world is watching over me to disgrace myself when its me who's finding ways to disgrace myself ? "
" I owe my happiness, soul, world to you guys . But I don't want to owe this life to anyone cause it's too much for me to ask from you ."
" I want to make a change for myself for once, I want no change ."

Can you guys understand ? Every single word .
This is not a explanation . It's what you guys wanted; truth .
Note: There's more that meets the eye .

Everything I want brings me back to you

2008-05-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

"Its sad to see your friends finding ways and reasons to give up on you . But it's sadder when they don't give up and keep trying to help you, cause it makes you feel worthless . It made me feel worthlessly stupid ."
"Now I know what it feels like to seriously just keep it inside ."

You could at least left me a note

2008-05-22T05:07:00.000-07:00

Finally, I faced her death after a year .
And I've finally confirmed her death date .

These days, I wondered why it didn't hurt me that myy BESTFRIEND died .
Now I know, it's caused I chose not to face it .
I'm not sure why, maybe cause I thought I didn't have to .
Maybe cause I just like the feeling knowing she's still alive .
I know now, I left the clique cause the most important reason left me .
How selfish I was to blame her .
I blamed her death not on fate, but on her .
I don't even know how to feel about it .

When my friends talks about their friend who died, I can talk about it .
Cause I just relate arwah to her .
I can't just face it .
I just won't .
I am ashamed .
I'm not sure if it's cause of how she died or cause I just wasn't there to watch over her or I just didn't even think about her death for a minute .
But today, Ive made a change .
I'm going to see how her small sister and Mom are doing, cause I promised .
Not to them, not to me, not to her, but to us .

I still remember how we spin around in the merry go round and go like, we don't need to get drunk .
I still remember how she convinced me she knew her limits, that was why I didn't care much .
I still remember how she didn't tell me who her boyfriend was, cause he abused her .
But I erased all of it, cause I remembered she promised me our clique won't break apart as long as we're in it cause "kalau budak Bedok nan budak Tampines ble kekal . Takkan drg tk ble ."

But I know I just won't go back to that clique, cause there's no more us .
Cause when I went down there, I only saw three of dem .
Cause they're not the same .
Cause we only argue when we meet, mostly about her death .
Cause there's no more to be said .
Cause they remind me of her .
Cause they'll ask questions like. "you miss her ? why didn't you kiss her corpse ? when to go to her grave ?"
Cause they'll spit out memories, when there was HER !
Cause that's all that are left, memories .
Cause I remembered what they said .

"Akak gy mane, linda ?"
"Akak ? Akak dah mati la ."
"Tak, akak gy terbang ."
The kid suffered much . Stop adding salt .

In memories
Nurul Khairunnisa Bte Ghazali
12May06

2008-05-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

I never thought .
Forgive myy heart for breaking .
I promise I wouldn't break apart ,
But I shattered .

Maybe hurting me would be the best for both of us

2008-05-10T02:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was officially the best day I had in months .
People might say boyfriends beats the rest .
However, its soulmates .
Soulmates comes if you open up .
You can't judge who is always there .
It all depends on who you turn to, and also who that can be there even when you don't ask for it .
They give you warmth no matter where you are .
They give you security no matter how life is .

For me, it's my friends who've seen me grow throughout my secondary life .
Those who remembered how ridiculous I looked when I was 13, and now although I am still at the age of half a corn .
I am not saying every air I breathe I owe it to dem .
But almost there .
For myy primary school life, well, Im trying to leave it all behind cause the main piece have left me .

So yesterday, I went to Bugis w Ahmad and Farah, shop2 .
Met Nurul, Ilah, Yati .
Apparently, the reasons we went down for, DIDN'T CAME DOWN !
Then we eat at long john, then we walk to esplanade .
AND MY CONTACTS WENT DOWN THE SINK AGAIN !
Then, I met Tupai, and he asked me if I remembered who he was .
I also met Furiin .
Then, we walk2 at Marina, haha . That was fun .
Ahmad then went home .

Nurul and Yati made a song " MWAHS ! Elmo love you so so much, so so much, so so much . Elmo love you so so much . Elmo want hug . "
Then, we made our each own version . Haha, dangdut, punkrock, jiwang, chipmunk, reggae, steam genre .
We talked bout how long we didn't spend time, just the five of us like last time .
And surprisingly, the five of us felt like it was last time .
(: (: (:

" &I wonder if he missed me, cause he's forgotten bout me . Myy presence pulled us further apart . Myy understanding you gave you way . Rotten. So I asked you what more can I say ? "

2008-05-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

Frigging moodswings, no idea why ?
Freaking dammit mayn .
And ya, myy niece started singing Atas Nama Cinta .
It hurts even more, but well .....

I freaking get freaking bugggged when people just teased POA students that they have to come to schools tomorrow . Takpe la sial, bapak aku bayar pe yuran skola aku, bukan anak kau pe .

Ohh please, I do not want to be reminded of the past, don't remind yourself me . Im just not for you, even if you begged me . Don't leave her for me . Cause it's just what I was done . Cause I wouldn't leave him for you . Don't lie to your fate, it's the best for you . Open your eyes, look at me . Im just not worth it, you forced me to put it this way . I asked for your heart, but you turn away . Now you're giving me commitments, something I'll never rely on . We took million steps ahead, what makes you think we can go back, I just can't admit that . I seek your forgiveness, for making it clear your tears would never change anything except my perspective . There is hope for us, but I wouldn't want you to leave her for me, even if I begged for your heart . I'll be fine, Im sure . Destiny, fate, it's written .

I am on myy knees

2008-05-07T07:34:00.000-07:00

English was alright .
Malay was still okay .
Elective Geography was still manageable .
Social Studies; I didn't finish 2 questions of SBQ . Ohh well, 15m gone .
Maths; a lil chance of passing . NOT WITH FLYING COLOURS .
Physics; Mrs Quek, I apologised .
Biology; I totally stunned, staring at the paper . But I think I managed .
Pure History; I don't even want to think about it .
POA, haha, say byebye .

Please, I need to pass this . Please, I need it for myy future .

Don't console cause there's enough damage done

2008-05-02T06:25:00.000-07:00

Cause Ive opened myy eyes slowly, but you don't know cause I didn't know it myyself till I look back and realised slow by slow I changed .
I used to be this heck-life, just-live-life, tomorrow-is-another-ME-day, kinda girl .
But now, I think whether Im sure of what Im doing, whether I can avoid just problems from it .
I feel so vulnerable, when people especially you, look into my eyes and just said, you're weak, aina . WEAKER than just what you were .
I look weak cause Ive open up, myy heart is vulnerable but it's strong to go through it all, I think .

Sooner or later, I think people have realised, Imma leave all behind .
So I rather, you walk out of me first .
Cause you, her, him, me, MYY LIFE is a star, something so far, so bright, so painful, I can't reach .

"If I can't reach, what makes you think I can face it all . I know I am changing for the better, but I am so not sure, if to the world, it seems that way ."

Too hard to swallow

2008-04-30T02:29:00.000-07:00

Mum, I'm sorry that your words hurt me .
I'm sorry that I can never forget how you can never forgive .
I'm sorry that I'm not that daughter you dreamt of .
I apologize for being your worst tragedy, for being me .
Yes, I can't see what's in front of me .
But you are blinded by reputation, rumours .
I can't deny that I dislike most of your family, my own cousins
Cause they bring you down, you bring me down .
They said things, they blamed, they cursed .
But, one thing I can never accept the fact is that you were with them .
Ohh please, cousins .
If you want to talk about my mom's family and kids .
Look at yours, they appeared in the newspaper, and we didn't talk about it .
You abuse your own son, you call others spoilt ? ungrateful ? stupid ?
&yes, I prefer my other side of cousins who are not like me, they're good people .
Even if my mum's family is just like me, easy to get along, models, rich .
It don't mean a goddamn thing

Dearest, I missed you .
I missed me .
I missed the way we were .
I'm contented seeing you happy now and I thank you for being there .
I thank you for knowing me, even when I don't even utter anything .
I just love the way we are, its's sweeter than any other .
-And it's not a guy, it's FarahMasyem (;

" And you still wonder why I've changed, why I'm more preserve, why I turn to my friends and myself more than I do to you . I can't change this, it's the way things will be . One thing I can never ever change; myy love for you cause no matter how hard I try, forever you're the reason for my being . Ibu; I seek your forgiveness "

I'm so cold, icebox where my heart used to be

2008-04-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

There she goes .
How fucking ignorant have Ive been ?!
Myy friends were having their troubles and only talk among themselves .
I know we're close but I felt distance, Im so different from them .
Im so different from what I used to be .

I can't decide .
I can't understand .
Im just not Aina .

The sad thing is; EXAMS TIME
This is why Im having no assholic mood to blogg .

People, including friends and family looking down on you .
Now, I stammer alot, I don't jump like I use to .
Mom hasn't been talking to me for 3 weeks .
She was saying I have no mother, it never bothered me until just now cause tears was spilling when she said it .
Mom, I swear it hurts .
I didn't talk cause I overheard you saying, you hate the sight of me and the sound of my voice .
I don't ask for pocket money cause of Im egoistic but cause I know you're trying hard .
You're different so am I .
Keep me from this cold, cold world .

And baby,
Fussin' and fightin', we back at it again
I know that, its my fault, but you don't understand
I got memories, this is crazy
You ain't nothing like the baby I used to know
I should try to decide, wanna let u in, but no
That means memories, and its crazy
I really wanna work this out, cause I'm tired of fightin'
And I really hope you still want me the way I want you
No excuse
But I got this

Why cant I get it right, just cant let it go
I opened up, he let me down, I wont feel that no more
I don't mean to take it out on you baby but I cant help it
Cause my heart is in the same old condition that baby left it
And I, I apologize, for makin' you cry
Look me in my eye and promise you won't do me the same
-I'm so cold

Never to repeat

2008-04-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

So night study nights were okay .
Im getting revengeful and heated these days .
I screamed at the slightest things, I get fucked up and vulgarities shot at littlest things, I scolded myy friends for the smallest things .
I said things to myy family and friends that ive never meant and swore never to speak .
Please END everything .

PS; the thing-im talking to Mohammad Noragustus (;
At least something right ?

"And if i let you go, I lost the last chance .If you stayed, the last chance will never come. "

If I told you the whole truth, you would still question the million lies

2008-04-14T07:23:00.000-07:00

Monday was okay .
I was kinda happier than the past days .
Maybe cause Im busy listening to sorrows .
It helped me, you know .
Biology, Afa poured her heart out .
Thanks babe, for trusting me .
Listen, concentrate on Os if you're too pressured .
At least, you're pressured for a good reason .
Farah didn't came, bummer .
Im praying she's feeling fine .

Then after school, i went studying w Fret at Bedok Interchange Macdonalds.
Afa tagged along, some hallucinated people were supposed to .
Then Fret blanje me and AFA who threatened to cabot his bulu kaki if he refused .
Then AfaDearest came along, then there was an awkward silence .
I tried to help but clearly Irfaan was fucked up and couldn't understand Afa, although we tried to help .
Irfaan, cheer up DUDE !
Then, Epul came all hallucinated .
Then he told me Yus wanted to meet me .
So I say NO !
Then bad luck came, YUSRI and GANG walked into Mac so I ran out w Epul .
Then I asked Fret to go first and Yus talked to me .

So he asked about everything myy whole life .
So I told him, don't expect me to love someone in a week or two cause I can't and won't .
And Im not like him who just go around loving any girl who you think will work out .
And he said he was sorry for everything and he looked like he wanted to cryy cause I talked and stood like I didn't care .
I do care but not like he thinks .
I care enough to just hug him if he cries but I don't care enough to just accept him cause I pity him .
I said, 'Takpe ! Dah biase kene marah2, kene tengking2, kene treat cam budak2 pasal myy past . Dah biase dah takk ble explain seme . At least, let me explain . Ive never said that I loved you, I avoided you . Think back ."
Then he apologised again and again .
Then myy superb boify came to myy rescue before I cried, "Dah Aina lambat(dier tipu anyways.) Kay dah Yus, anything else ?"
So Yus geleng, and when he salam-ed me, he looked at me in disappointment, I guess I wasn't Aina that he expected me to be .
Then when I walked out, he shouted LOVE YOU and gave me a flying kiss .
And it struck me, we'll never be .

Then, met Fret .
He looked unhappy .
Then we went home .
THE END of MONDAY !
I DON'T FEEL LIKE COMING TO SCHOOL TOMORROW !
But I am so going night study .
Why do I have to keep doing things I can't bear ?

"You're nice, but you possessive and stubborn and not understanding . And you isn't just the reason Ive never opened myy heart . Its cause he came and knocked on myy heart, and I can't erase him yet "

" Closed myyself from love, didn't need the pain . Once or twice was enough ."

If I told you the whole truth, you would still question the million lies

The journey to Brillante

2008-04-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

Brillante finally came .
I was looking forward to it, then I wasn't .
It was worth it though, I guess .
EPUL ! I WENT CAUSE OF YOU BETTER SAY THANKYOU !

So, I met Fret at 3.15 smoke w hym .
And I felt Distance and Different .
Oh well, I don't want to think about it .
I can't deny the fact that I thought about it all the way .
Then I met Ahmad Saifuddin <3,>We drank and smoked while waiting for Ilah Nurul Yati at 100 .
New word; Noneng jadi Nenong .
We talked about our problems and fond memories .
Then Ilah Nurul Yati came at 5 .
Then Yati drank w us just a lil bit .
Then went to Bedok Interchange to meet Annah, Skye and Linda .

Then we proceed to Raffles Place to meet the rest .
Met Afa, Farah, Irfaan and Rad there .
Whoa, BGSS actually has a fashion sense, who knew !
Then, we went to our seat .
Mine was w Afa&Irfaan and Farah&Fuad .
YES ! couples, me in the middle .
I could have sworn I felt awkard and a nuisance there .
But ohh well, I had myy bestbuds near me and myy another bestbud went cause of me .
Farah smiled for me (;
Thanks babes .

So there I was, watching the concert w on the the right Afa&Irfaan linking hands and on the left Farah&Fuad no idea what doing .
Happy for the couples (;
Yet, I wished I had a mate .
Then I saw Epul dance and Me and Afa as usual shouted his name .
Then ZAMIR sang, I couldn't look cause it hurts .
But I did shouted his name too .
Then me and Irfaan sang Breaking Free to Afa, she was utterly embarrassed and embarrassing cause she covered her whole head w Irfaan's jacket .
Then the ending of it was nice, the back and side of the stage went up and we could see the beautiful Esplanade where we were headin next .

Then, we went out waiting for Epul .
The couples went home, this is when the glory of being single came; being able to spend time w friends, doing whatever you want to .
Then the singles went to esplanade and ate at marina .
Went home, took the MRT den walked back home froom Bedok Inter .
SORRY GUYS .
Reached home at about 12.30, no one went mad cause I said I'll be late .
Then I was freaking tired, but I called Fret, but he didn't pick up .
Hmm, not gonna elaborate .
Then I went to sleep .
And I think Im going to have a afternoon nap right now .
SO TAKKAIRE !

PS; Thanks friends for going for me or w me and everything . Who knows it might be the last right ? And Ahmad Saifuddin, thanks for ytd . WOOOHOOOO ~

" If I pleaded you, would you have listen ? Would you love me the same ?"

*SNORE2*

So I was wrong, I apologised

2008-04-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

Monday and Tuesday, boring days .
I hate school .
I love friends .
I need to smoke right now .
I can't wait for Thursday, school ends early .
I agree w FarahDearest, we need a break . A CHALET during June Holiday .
I dread Friday, how bad its gonna turn out .
But oh well, I got a maniac as a 'date' (;
Ilah should stop losing her things, I don't understand she is so alert but still her things get missing .
And I didn't mean to force you or anything to go .

Okay, there goes .
Stop treating myy friends like they are yours . Not that I hate it, but SOMETIMES, once in a while, it gets on myy nerve . Thinking how you despise it when people treat your friends like their . If you can accept people doing that, only then I can accept you doing it . Cause I find it unfair, that you do things you don't like . And plus, you only treat them like yours when everyone likes dem . What happened when everyone was hating dem last year or so ? You called dem MYY FRIENDS . Friends accept you as who you are .
Stop using me like your backup .
Stop trying to act like the hero in myy life and making decisions for me .
You may say, you're not but hello, you're pressuring me .
Start understanding me .
The thing is you always think you're right, like you'll find some other reasons to cover up your mistakes but dude you are myy friend and we both make alot of mistakes .
If I can accept mine w/o changing what you mean to me, why can't you ?
The thing is, I want to let you all understand but Im afraid things would change .

But again, maybe Im just overrreacting and stuffs . Im fucked up right now so Im sorry if what I said is untrue . I take back what I said . I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING THAT I SAID . I WAS FUCKING OVERREACTING, BEING MAD DOESN'T MEAN I CAN WEIGH IT ON YOU GUYS

" Babe 1(Farah), I miss those times when eventhough there was only the 2 of us, everything felt secure and ever-lasting . I miss it when you were always there throughout myy whole secondary and important part of life . I miss it when we face problems together . No secrets . I miss you ."

" Babe 2(Ilah), I miss those times when we drink, live, laugh . I miss when you still comprehen me . I miss it when you still confide in me . I miss it when whenever you are there, I would never feel lonely . I didn't say a word cause I felt like I owe you alot of things . I miss THE FACT when there were you ."

"I can't trust . I can't confide . I don't understand ."

Heroic Duo

2008-04-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

Contented

Today, went to downtown . There, I am even sure that I can't be more sure who myy friends who I can share only joy with, friends who I can even share myy sorrow w and friends who are loyal and true . And I've gotten myy priorities straight and really2 study . Ive seriously reflect and reflect and I know who I love and myy true friends are . Friends are friends but ......

And sometimes I can never tell if Im depressed or not .
But myy true friends, you know who you are, I thanked you all .
I can't tell you how much I love the few of you and there are certain reasons why I don't tell you guys things that I tell him, reasons you would have guessed but not going to hear it from me cause I can't bear to face it .

"Facing reality each day feels real and great but it's hurting covered all those good feelings . "
This certain someone I owed alot to and never really get to say thank you to once said, " Kawan ketawe banyak tapi kawan sedih siket . And tuh la yang kau patut sayang . Tapi kawan setia lagy siket, mungkin satu jek, tuh la yang kau tak ble hilang . Tapi kadang2, kau terpakse jalan hidup sorang . Keluar dari perut mak kau sorang, masok kubor pon sorang pe. "

Each step felt pressured

2008-04-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

Each day past, and Im even unsure if it'll stay .
And yesterday, i was forced to face reality .
Im fucking pressured, fuck they make the decision for me, not me .
Then they or rather he fucking blame it on myy friends .
I didn't lie, just that I kept a few things from you .
I can't posibbly tell you of myy past cause you weren't there to see it .
Myy friends were, so please stop saying like you know me like WHOA !
Cmon, you're not myy boyfriend, and you're not even close to 3 weeks of knowing me .
Just a day and you concluded you like me .
Thats just plain bullshit, that I needed time to comprehen .
You're a pill, that I needed time to swallow .
You don't expect me to just flow through it, when you just came barging in to myy life confessing you're the one who loves me most right ?
You see, its either you let me try to accept you or just reject you at that moment .
I thought, we might clicked if more time were given .
Dont force me into things if you don't give me time .
Don't be angry if I just rejected you at that moment cause you didn't give me time .
Cause of you, I was forced to face the fact that he was never there .
Cause of you, I felt rushed to love someone .
Cause of you, I felt rushed to forget someone who's been there at the tip of myy life .
Cause of you, I felt like a fool loving someone who's never gonna be there .
Cause of you, I fell even more into namby-pamby of confusion .
PLEASE UNDERSTAND .

The thing is; did you ever think bout me ? If I felt the same or if Im ready .

Mundane

2008-04-01T07:36:00.000-07:00

Irate by Illusions, please please stop this .
For once, I was introvert and not jaunty .
I guess I'll have to inure myyself w this life .
Busy, hectic yet humdrum .

He took his revenge, I hope you're happy .
Cause I don't give a fuck except the fact that you had to do it when Im fucking ill .
Shouldn't have waited .

Why am I wasting time, titillating on others when Im quite clear of the one the I want .
Pretty much cause, I afraid of commitments .
I freaking sick, and he's missing .
FUCKIT !

" Destitudity and penintent filled me . Im not okay ."

Rheumatic Pain

2008-03-31T07:25:00.000-07:00

Oh God, save me from POA, fucking niggling .
Didn't do PE then school got even by trapping me in ludicrous subject .
It wasn't even fucking lucrative and I learnt nothing, AND I MEAN NOTHING .

And recent post, I apologised to all readers, I was wrong and Farah and her Beruang still on .
First thing, I put away myy ego and apologise to Fuad if you think Im influencing anyone and wants you to walk away from her .
All I can say is things are not what its seems, and anyway I apologised .
I know it was wrong, I was wrong, everything was wrong .
I know its not in myy place to determine you and Farah .
But I think I don't need to explain stuffs cause it don't matter .
It's up to you to think what of it .
Sorry, and don't take this the wrong way .
And Farah Im sorry, if you feel that Im causing rifts .

Thirdly, I apologised to someone if you feel like Ive been avoiding you .
Cause I don't even have time for myselff .

Fourthly, I Give Up on us.

Fifthly, iLy and let people say it's lascivious and you're a player .

" Judged me w/o asking and to think of all people you, I can't believe it . I know we can't be friends but enemies? "

" And if he can't accept me, what makes you think I can accept that fact that he can't and you can? Its complicated"

" Even if i lived not to bother and give in, things can never feel the same cause I don't feel the same. "

" How can I continue if I can't move a step further. "

"This lumbago is lucidly unbearable . Please be myy lullaby, once again ."

CONCLUSION; BEFUDDLED -AINA

Difference makes me green

2008-03-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

Bam!

So it's a thursday, nothing different . I failed Physics test by half a mark, pathetic i know .
Wanted to go home early but let Farah instead, she was seriously sick .
But now Im sick, sick and tired of his words .
First AfaDarling and her darling fought cutely *i wish i had that*
Then Him and I did, not cutely, furiously .
It's like he's trying to tell me to not bother his life, but he doesn't know limits and I think I love him too much to see him suffer in the future .
But he don't see this, maybe I am bothering his life .
Urgh. Urgh. Urgh.
6 months waiting; Im wishing its worth it.
Irfaan&Afa thanks for everything .
Im reconsidering .
And never break up; the sweetest couple of the year (;
I MEAN IT!

"Sometimes I exist to you, sometimes I don't ."

Not backups; but myy reliables

2008-03-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

And these are important people too; SKANKS what they call themselves or whatever like that so .

Epul loves to liwat and I love to liwat him . He can be the lil bro or the big bro depending on time to time . NYAHAHAHAS (;
Khunsa is the unlimited you-will-never-understand craziness and the PICIT girl (;
Baby Yuyul; the cute funny one . (;

The creative and innovative one; RAD (;

"Be it ever-changing, temperatural, conflicts, the main substance is love"

Everything

2008-03-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

Credits goes to these important saviours&suckers (;

And Fret is the one while Zalseiy is myy 8 years never-ending childhood friend .

T his Snickers freak is the best bytch of myne . You know you can never replace her .

This fly is the one who stand by me eventhough Im the suckiest to her . Im sorry, but please dont leave. FYI, dats myy shades (;

A true friend; a sacrastic but honest one . My like-one life and these makes her special(;

"They may not be the one always there for me to smile with .
But their hearing of myy whines and just knowing and understanding without judging made them important . You know no matter what they'll stay in your heart and wish they're there every minute of your life . Not really every minute, actually."

Sweeping Statement

2008-03-26T06:09:00.001-07:00

Bam!

If I would care more, I think I would be awfully different .
So I guess caring less, makes things happen .
But maybe hallucination and illusions help .
But not for long, i guess .
If you're telling me to grow up, realise that you should grow up first .
Cause the ones who identifies others as immature, are the immature ones to waste time judging others instead of repairing themselves .
So. . .
I should probable care about myyself and head to sleep la-la now (;

Hallucination of the Blind

Forever we'll be

My babies

Farah's 7eleven mouth (:

Gin and Tonic !

Where trouble melts like lemondrops .

Sanggupkah bersabar .

Awesome-ness

I'll take my chances

Sweet gracious !

Poison and Spells .

It's time to relax (:

Lowest point of life .

Too shallow to swallow

A fool believed, I can't just go on like this

Eveything to give away .

Ohhh La La La ~

Things should be this way .

Gone Introvert

Seeking Aina .

Wave of life .

Superman went downhill .

Spin around for another chance .

And myy party life begins

PROM NIGHT !

Everything I want brings me back to you

*Sulk and pout*

Sometimes, one have to solve his own problems, alone .

Confirmation, please / I beg you .

Aku nak sebat Nabilah (:

Malacca trip got me tripping and thinking

Accidently in love .

It's time to realise it will all get better in time

I don't do perfect, I love perfunctory or challenges

And I melt in your presence like I've never have or will .

It's not the best, it's the ones (:

Bestfriends and mom ! (:

MOM I LOVE YOU!

So beat it .

Friends

Shaking from the pain that's in my head, I just want to crawl to someone's warmth

Quiz; Tagged by Zul and Rad

A fool believed, I can't just go on like this

I just want to owe myy life to myself and God

Everything I want brings me back to you

You could at least left me a note

Maybe hurting me would be the best for both of us

I am on myy knees

Don't console cause there's enough damage done

Too hard to swallow

I'm so cold, icebox where my heart used to be

Never to repeat

If I told you the whole truth, you would still question the million lies

The journey to Brillante

So I was wrong, I apologised

Heroic Duo

Each step felt pressured

Mundane

Rheumatic Pain

Difference makes me green

Not backups; but myy reliables

Everything

Sweeping Statement

Sulk and pout