And I woke and the very end, when you finally opened your mouth saying,
"But I don't love you."
.To.Love.Doesnt.Mean.To.Own.
You know what is stupid, you miss someone who doesn't even think about you for more than just, "eh mane aina, tak online," minute . To love someone who ridicule you for it . You know what is more stupid ? To be angry that you do . To cry when you miss him . To blame yourself for blaming him . And the stupidest thing is to, want to show him what he means when you know he doesn't bother and to take every mistake as your unworthy-ness and to do everything for his sake but still thinking you're selfish for loving him .
I can't look away, yet I can't look your way . Everything I do for you, isn't sacrifices, it's my favourite things . Like talking to you till you sleep, to keep hoping, to just keep waiting in the line, to wish you the best, better than me . I'll be here, until you're mine or someone's . And then I'll leave, and not regret for waiting for you, cause it's been a pleasure and I don't expect a return from you . Loving someone should be a pleasure, not a debt . Love should be about giving, not owing . Love is a strange game, and sometimes you lose, what matters is the fun and the experience .
I don't tell you everything that I've felt cause I swear I don't it to be a burden to you . I would be anything, except a liability to you, like you owe me . And I struggled and struggled to reassure myself what I'm doing is right . I thank god for everything he gave me cause then I wouldn't be here to recognise this feeling . Everyday I reassure him, how wonderful he is , and how lucky I am and how I don't want to be a burden . Sometimes I want to tell him that I would be there if he ever falls again, that I would give him courage to find strength by himself instead of just giving it to him, when he loses strength and how I'll always help him get through his days . But that would be a burden to him cause I'm letting him know how much he means to me and that he might be feeling guilty cause he don't see me the same way .
I love you and but, never comes together in a sentence, mind you . I just want to be reassure that he does have a thing for me, that's all and I'm willing to wait for that, even if no relationship is involved . Everyday, I make sure he's safe and sound asleep before I end my day, even if I'm super sleepy, to make sure I end my day with hearing his voice cause if I don't wake up the next day, I've at least heard his voice the very last day . And I'll never say goodnight first cause i treasure every minute I hav with him . A hug from him would mean alot more than dining in the most expensive candlelight dinner with the scenery of Las Vegas . I just hope that he'll think of me, not every minute, but at least when he needs someone to cheer him up, even if I'm the last resort . That's how little I expect from him, yet how much I expect from myself . God, if only I can pour out all my heart content, but I'm not really one who's good at expressing my feelings like Afa,*jealousy* and even if I can, it would take a hundred posts to talk about him . Besides, it's complicated, these feelings .
Too blinded by the one you desire , that you didn't look at the one you deserve . But, the one I desire and the one I deserve is interwined, dammit it's the same person (: Take a gazillion chances and courage, I'll wait for him as long as he needs me as company (:
BABY, FOR YOU A THOUSAND TIMES OVER, I SWEAR (:
Labels: Bummed; Accidentally in love .