Even if it isn't, I don't know .
It's average in the way how myy life is .
As in, maybe to you it isn't .
I don't go out as much as I do .
School ended, June break starts .
I just spend myy time on computer or sleeping myy head off .
I've been thinking, if mom can believe I can stop myy habit .
Why aren't I giving myself the chance to live normally ?
I guess it's true that people just don't stop till they get it right in their face .
Mom's right about what she said , she's being open bout it .
And I know I should be grateful, but I feel uneasy .
Doctor said, myy blood pressure is too low .
He told me to stop smoking too habitually, but he doesn't know that it's not smoking cause I don't smoke that much, in fact littler that last time, but it's another bad habit that is increasing .
It's not that I don't want to .
I just can't .
I don't expect others to understand, but myy mom do .
Cause she knows whats an addiction .
Cause she knows how hard it's been for me .
I thought she's unaware of myy world, but it's me who's unaware of her knowing everything, and seeing me cry or in a daze almost everynight, regretting .
It's nothing like smoking, it hurts me .
Yet it's harder to stop .
I STARTED PRAYING 5 TIMES A DAY (:
Meeting counselor in a week, hope it helps .
Cause I'm weak .
"First it was a trial, then it became a cure, then it turned to a hallucinating addiction."
Ilah's and Fret's birthdays are coming .
One word, they're DEAD (:
-As I lay on this grass, gazing at those stars, I miss the times when I lay on myy mom's lap feeling secured, knowing my future is bright ahead and I can't wait to live it . But now, I'm afraid of my future . Even the bright stars can't challenge myy mom's love that she has shower on me .
"These raindrops, I hope they're not myy tears. No, it's her blood ."
Labels: Bummed; I can't see me the way you do mom, Ive lost myy self-esteem and ego